MENG-

juggernaught

2011-12-18T02:51:00.001-08:00

apartment found, furniture bought, moved in and settled down, and back in SEA for the past 2 weeks. Been out and about in SG and now in Msia. For once i've noticed there's change around in singapore. a couple of new roads, clubs and sights. Msia as usual, the pop-up of 5 new highways to god knows where every month. everything else kinda looks and feels the same. the food again as usual beats singapore.

it's good to have a break again. haven had one in aaaaages. like really ages. a case of beer a week just to get through a week of 15hrs a day, 35deg cel min kitchen temperature work week. chain smoking when i'm dead beat, wonder what them people are whining about in singapore who are still studying and have nothing to worry about having a roof over their head. haven lived on their own and had to manage their own expenses with the fear of having nothing to eat the next day just to keep that roof over their head.

australia really makes me appreciate having a car. plus driving to anywhere here is singapore is so much shorter cos it's so much smaller. never felt happier about having a car. regardless rented or owned. 4 wheels beats two wheels or feet anyday. although there are the specific drivers who waste little time to remind me that i'm back in singapore. them filthy cabbies. never ever patient and can never ever stick to their own lanes.

time sure flies by. quick note in relation to a few things. what you want, is out there for all to grab. doesn't mean it's gone once someone else grabs it, it's how badly you want it. so grab it with ur two bare hands, legs and teeth if you have to. it's worth it.

Moving Again

2011-10-27T03:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a long while since I've been running after trains and trams and walking around half the day just to familiarise myself with new areas. Feels like when I just got to Melbourne all over again. Living in the city sure had it's pros when it came to walking. Everything was within a 20 minute radius and I never had to hop on the trams.

Been living like a nomad of late. Sleeping on the couch for 2 weeks straight now. Living out of the suitcase again and spending the least amount of money on meals (Macs, Hungry Jacks etc) just cos you know you have to save it for the transport and rationing out the miserable remainder of your money as well cos you have to save it for the new place. Even then it doesn't end there when the furniture hunt starts and you try to get your apartment up and running just so that you can start making the delicious and cheaper home cook meals. Plus the first few nights in a new apartment will be all so sweet in a way because you will be knackered from all the hassle you have gone through setting up the furniture and the cleaning as well.

Quit my shit-hole of a job at Sofitel. FINALLY! It's a wonder how a management system so horrendous actually survives in a 5-star worldwide brand name like Sofitel/Accor. No hygiene and the hiring of people who do not actually respect the job itself, let alone food. The rewarding and promotion of undeservant staff who are just better at licking balls than the other people who actually spend their time on making sure their job is done properly, thus the lack of opportunities to polish your superior's boots. Regardless of feedback given by not one but several members of the team, still nothing is done and the same hierachy and management is maintained. Having gone to a prestigious school in the name of Le Cordon Bleu and having to work in such conditions just did not do it for me. Not forgetting the fact that the situation that is present in the hotel is nothing short of a big disgrace of the food industry as well as a catalyst for destruction. Furthermore, it's a well known fact in the world that Australia is one of the biggest food hubs in the world with the wide array of cuisine styles found here.

Looking back on the 6 months that I stuck to that miserable job just to graduate, I can't help to feel that a huge amount of time has been wasted. Much more I could have learnt if I had not succumbed to the loyalty i had to my friends there, who also were part of a team that I myself was part of. Furthermore unknowingly and unexpectedly, among the peers of other departments, I had become looked upon as a figure of authority when my lazy sloth-like chef de partie wasn't around, which by the way was most of the time. I had never witnessed a bigger case of abusing authority than i had seen with her. I had very much wanted to stay in a job to help my friends being overpaid and doing nothing technical. It makes no sense though to stay and work and also do and undertake the responsibility of the chef de partie when there's no formal notice in the sense of a pay rise or a promotion, rather it is forced onto you instead. The position of authority is always a plus in a career, but only if there was formal recognition in writing.

At least out of all this mayhem, I have a few positive outlooks. The support and help of friends and family which i could never replace, and the fact that with all this walking and running in just these 2 days alone, I would have lost all the weight i had put on back in sydney. =p

from memory

2011-07-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

it's been one heck of a 2 months ever since i started my job at sofitel. late nights, extremely early mornings, getting spanked every service, having alcohol for comfort. though on top of that, good laughs, good money and good food. haven had a chance to go check out the rock climbing gym here yet though. the one in the city only has high walls, which means i need to go with someone. i'm not about to leave my life in the hands of a guinea pig so yeah, no thanks.

melbourne has been a lovely host so far. an abundance of good food, alcohol, coffee, beautiful people and sales. have a lovely cosy home that i enjoy lazing the day away in sometimes, though it's a bit of a struggle when you have a rat for a room mate who's room smells worse than a corpse rotting in the sewers. on many occasions, he has gravely stepped on the wrong side of me and i'm just about that close to kicking him out of the house. not that i'll have any difficulty getting someone else to move into the apartment.

started my soccer here in melbourne again. getting back my A game. though my pair of futsal shoes ripped just after the third time i played. hate them shoes without stitching. at least they were cheap. time to go hunt for another pair. miss buying them jerseys as well. dirt cheap in SG compared to here. Man utd jersey for 130? i may be a fan but i'm not stupid.

patching friendships can be quite funny at times. but at the end of the day, friend's better than a foe. though you'd have a hysterical past to remember sometimes. it's funny how people get misunderstood sometimes. after when the accuser realises that it doesn't make much sense, it get's a lil bit more comical. then again there are those that you just don't ever wanna be associated with.

getting out of singapore has changed my views in life. why worry? live for the moment. =) that's if you can see the sense in it though. live everyday like it's your last. then again you do have to attain a certain hiatus in life to do that as well. have i? i really don't know. but it sure as hell feels damn good doing so.

aussies. ugh!

2011-04-23T00:34:00.000-07:00

aussies, them lazy bastards. they're probably the no.1 life hazard in a country who's aiming to compete with the top in the world. over-extensive holidays, outrageous rules with their electrical companies, and just plain inefficiency in everything they do. Yes the money is good here, the lifestyle is like being on a holiday 24/7, the food here in melbourne is fantastic, but then you have to remember, there are the cons to deal with as well.

moved into my new apartment recently. trusted the agent's word that he had done a thorough check of the apartment. Again, a load of bullshit. Things missing, broken chairs and lights, the place was filthy with torn and stained carpets, cockroach infested. Simply put, the previous tenant had left the place in a total mess. So much that you would doubt him/her as a human being, and wouldn't think twice of putting him/her under the animal category. apart from the state of the apartment, there's the electricity to deal with again. booked for it to be connected on the 21st of april. Checked and double checked the procedures that had to be carried out. was told that the electrical box was outside of the building. Therefore, i wouldn't need to be at home for them to connect the electricity. So after multiple phone calls back and forth between the agent, the connection company and myself, the date was booked for the electrical company to connect the electricity to my place, or so i thought. after a long day at work and sitting in the dark from 6pm-9pm, still no lights or power. what's worse? it's the long easter weekend. so FML. Therefore, i've been sitting in darkness, doing the tango with the shadows on the wall in candlelight. i basically have to leave my curtains open to get light in the night from the spotlight opposite my apartment. oh and i can't vacuum the carpets either. so the hair and dirt and dead insects and whatever you can think of, are still stuck on it. the cleanest place is the kitchen as the floor is tiled and i can scrub and mop it.

just started my job at Sofitel recently. was originally supposed to be in banquets, but they threw me up to room service, which is even better. they pretty much got me on service on the second day of work. fun =). then i heard i was gonna be staying on in room service instead of heading back down to banquets cos there's a chef in the restaurant no.35 who wants to go to banquets instead. just so that she can train her knife skills. knife skills? bullshit. banquets is like a factory production. everything's done before hand and you're just there assembling everything. knife skills my ass. looks like she doesn't know what she's gonna be in for. good luck! i love where i am now. who said no one wants you on service when you've got no experience. who said they won't look at potential when you're new. i'm gonna prove them wrong. Hello room service, hello no.35, thank you and i'm lovin it.

Le Cordon Bleu. So much repute and prestige, yet so god damned disappointing. The fees they charge and the manner that the school is run just makes my blood boil. coming to melbourne was probably the best choice i made in my life so far. after so much trials and tribulations, this is one thing i will never regret. it feels like melbourne is where the world meets. there's everything here. good coffee, good food, beer's cheaper than water, and the people here have more brains than those in sydney too. yes there is the bigger south-east asian influence here. i find that i kinda came back to singapore here cos everywhere i go, i get the thick singlish accent with all the "lah, loh, sia, issiiiit?". not to forget the singapore restaurants here, or so they think. Really is there a cuisine such as singapore cuisine? anyways, LCB, no i do not wanna continue my studies with you, and if i can successfully convince my parents to have me switch schools, i most definitely will without a second thought. everyone in the industry knows you guys charge more than everywhere else, no they did not expect the prices to be mind blowing either. when they knew of it, courtesy of moi, you should have a look at their faces. it's daylight robbery you guys are doing in truth. those prices for that kind of limited content? bullshit. if i switch to william angliss, fees would be cheaper, the burden would be less on my parents and i would feel so much happier going to school. LCB, you guys can be put in comparison with the electrical companies here. Quality control, shit. Fees, shit. Efficiency, shit. Inefficiency, australia's best.

it's been quite a ride for me recently. exposed to lots of new situations, which only adds to experience. loving melbourne now, i think i'll love it more as time goes on. there's definitely more to do than sydney here. the only one thing i can't wait to get started on? Rock climbing. the love of my life. In the meantime, i have to just sit here in the cafe to charge my laptop and ipod here. or i'll be dead for the next few days. Friend's helping with my iPhone and my crappy spare phone has only got half battery life left. hope it lasts just till 630am tmr morning to wake me for work. if it dies tonight, i'm dead. -.-"

Sofitel Melbourne on Collins

2011-04-17T00:50:00.000-07:00

Been in melbourne for the past week now. So far all i can say is, i'm simply loving it. The population here is smaller, but due to some crazy timing issues, the streets will never be empty, yet never too packed to get around. The only bad thing? People tend to love to stop dead in their tracks when they're walking along the streets. Be it in your path, on the path or in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic. Yeah. It's like an addiction to being horned at. Other than that, weather's better than Sydney, the people are and the food are as well.

Everytime i have to get somewhere, i take the fastest possible route. Once i've done what i need to get done, that's when the fun begins. Taking in the sights, sounds and extremely nice smells(with the number of different cuisines and restaurants on every corner of the street), i set off on another adventure while i can. Crossing roads and dodging people, turning into every unexplored little street, and i will never fail to find something new and interesting. From really really really good coffee, to another korean grocery store, to another cheap and good restaurant or a really posh and beautiful restaurant. It's that many to an extent that even if i spent everyday for the next 6 months dining at a different restaurant, i would never be able to dine at every single restaurant. For the first time as well, every place has got a different system of payment or service or something. Sometimes it just gets confusing. Then again the exposure saves you from the embarrassment of having an extremely perplexed look on your face when you're faced with something new and unusual. Then again i'll say it's normal here but it just shows you haven't been exposed much yet.

The best part about the city is that it's just Melbourne. The city is organised in grids like how New York is. The names are also in order, which makes it so damn easy to get around on foot. After 5 days of non-stop walking for practically the whole day, not only have i found the quickest way to work on foot, but i know the city on the back of my hand already. Next thing i have to do is to explore outside of the city. Heard rave reviews on places like Fritzoy, have to find the nearest friendly bouldering gym, have to head to the beach to have a look around as it isn't as over-rated and crowded as Bondi in Sydney, and i've yet to take the metro as well. Have done just about everything you can do in Melbourne city, it's time to try what lays out of the city in the suburbs.

In the midst of all this exploration and madness, I managed to stumble upon the William Angliss Academy on one of my "exploits". With a grand campus, 11 kitchens with a bench, stove, oven/kitchen aid(cuisine/pastry) to each student, a huge restaurant kitchen with an independent pastry kitchen and a cuisine kitchen for restaurant service that would host 100 or more guests, a proper culinary shop with cheaper prices and a wider range of tools, cheaper uniforms with better quality and a little more than half the tuition fees that of LCB, i think it's enough evidence to prove that the LCB Sydney campus is indeed an operating international scam. With no proper campus, sharing it with TAFE, an over-expensive culinary shop, Cert iii only running for 3 months, which is 9 months short and teaching 4 modules less than the William Angliss Academy, it's just more evidence to show that we have been paying inflated, or over-priced tuition fees for LCB Sydney. Apart from the Culinary department, they have an independent Coffee Academy where you can take up coffee course as an elective(they teach latte art too), a course for Bartending(they have a proper bar with all the alcohol and facilities), and a whole building that is solely for the theory aspect of the course plus Hospitality/Diploma etc. Not to forget, they have a Bachelors in Culinary(molecular gastronomy and nuitrition) Hospitality Management(which covers both the restaurant and hotel aspects) on campus, whereas LCB has only got a Bachelors in Restaurant Management where you can do on the Sydney campus, and a Bachelors in Hotel Management which you would have to head to Adelaide for.

Too much happening too fast. First stop tomorrow though, first day in Sofitel Melbourne. Here's a personal promise, imma kickass in Sofitel. Who knows, if i might be able to make my mom think along the right track, and i do well enough in Sofitel to keep the job and maybe even attain a sponsorship, that's gonna be one foot into the industry and a huge step towards getting my PR status as well. Yes i've been told by many that i'm worrying about too much at my age. Then again now thinking about it, when it comes to enjoying life, i'm sure i'm No.2 to no one. But when there are things that matters and comes before enjoyment, i guess that's when you have to know where your priorities lie. That's when you know, that the results that you reap from your hard work and perseverance will be your source of enjoyment.

these past week has also given me time at night to think about certain things in life. like what has happened in my life so far. The wrong decisions that has slowed down my development in my career, the mistakes, the people who i wish i could start all over again, the people who i wish i never met etc. As we all know, there are no U-turns in life. If normally only get one shot and getting something done right. Second chances are rare and if they do come by, you don't grab it only with both hands, you grab them with your teeth as well.

new lease

2011-04-04T05:48:00.001-07:00

schools over. 9 crazy months. 12hr days, 6 days a week for the past 2 and a half months, never-ending assignments, and a crazy theory exam. got past all of if including the practicals, which was pretty much a breeze. got through with zero failures. zero failures. one half of me is relieved, the other half wondering what's coming up next.

secured a job in Melbourne for my internship. new city, one city off my list. good money, good reputation, works best for me. something new and good to learn, and to add to my resume as well. a new job, new experience, what could be better? australia's biggest indoor gym will by my neighbour as well. i'll be earning 3 times the amount i could earn in singapore as well. life just got really good. it's now all up to me to keep the job and make my own name and fame. starting from scratch, let's hope i get to riches at the end of the day.

not just the job that makes me happy, but a wonderful person decided to knock on my door and enter my life too. independent. cute. great sense of humour. humble. thinks considerately of others. takes up the challenge if put across to her. doesn't give up. she even went to the extent of headin to melbourne on her own to get a job cos she wanted it so much. respect to that. i don't think i can find another like her nor will any in my previous relationships put up a fight against her. she beats them hands down. yeah so what if she isn't so tall, so what if she isn't that pretty, so what if she isn't aneroxically thin. i prefer a healthy woman who i can trust with looking after the household in the future. i have actually found someone who doesn't step on my head and knows her place. who is always aware of the line that isn't supposed to be crossed and who actually truly does accept me for who i am and not for my money or my education or whatever. someone who i can really depend on when in times of need. someone who wouldn't run away and discard you when you really need her to be there. someone who won't scream at me to get her way.

great new job, great new city, great new girl, great new experience. if i believed in god, thank you god. life just got really good. i hope it will continue down this road too.

there's no cure for stupidity

2011-02-26T19:03:00.001-08:00

just something off the back of my head. you can't cure stupidity. though it is a choice that you can make. that choice is just between you using your brain or not. some people have the inability to make that choice cos maybe they were born disabled or something. but some normal people choose to have that inability to use their brains. now that's even more sad than the disabled.

yes i'm addicted to korean drama again. can't help it when i'm hanging out with koreans day in day out and i'm picking up korean just like how i picked up my malay. though korean is a lot tougher. well at least some words, and i mean a FEW, look like chinese characters. something to stimulate my brains so that i won't grow senile in the kitchen. that way i can dream of yoon eun-hye instead of having puff pastry puffing in my head while i'm asleep. breath of fresh air i must say.

i haven graced the climbing walls in a month. miss the smell, the chalk, the lactic acids building up in my forearms, the thrill and exhilaration, the challenge, and watching samantha berry climb. so graceful she is, yet intimidating and daunting at the same time. some stare at her in envy, i stare at her in awe.

superior cuisine and patisserie. make your own gateau for the pastry exam, no worries for the cuisine practical component though. just that the stoves and ovens are cranking up again. it like that in intermediate for me, now superior as well. and i'm paying through my nose for this school. total bullshit. gotta start flipping through my books for my theory exams soon. 4 weeks time and i'll finish 2 papers. then i'm left with the 2 practical components. gotta start on my cake too. crap. someone lend me an oven??

restaurant service has been fun so far. i think it kinda helped me decide which component i'd like to take up for my diploma. most probably choose cuisine cos i hate sugar. but working in a real time kitchen like environment for once kinda helps release stress. especially when you know that who you're working with has got your back. you guys share a common interest and help ease each other through it, at the same time keeping and carrying out the respective responsibilities. the only difference with this from the real industry is that you are not afraid to make a mistake because you know that there is someone there to cushion your fall, meaning the chef in charge of us. though doesn't mean we can take that for granted and make those deadly mistakes. the environment also helps us pinpoint who the heck we do not want to work with. kinda funny when you see it happening.

i think i need to get a life. i'm stuck in the kitchen too much. especially LCB kitchens. shit. can't wait to start work. might end up going to melbourne. 4 chefs keep pushing me there. one's exact words were, "Go to melbourne for your IP. Sydney's got nothing but shit." i like that chef. at least he's frank. well if so happens that i do go inter-state for IP, i'll have to think about money again. oh well. at least it'll look good on my resume.

laila's coming up from singapore on wed. wish sadiq, keem, hatta and the rest could come along as well. lepak one corner again. miss those times. oh well. one's better than nothing. =)

the marathon begins

2011-01-30T02:49:00.000-08:00

back in syd from a not so fruitful holiday at home. the reason for the spoils being the same as usual. another term ahead again. looking at the time-table this time though, looks like i'm in for one helluva ride. 12hr days practically every single day.

every beginning of the term, it's like the start of some million kilometer run. sluggish. you try to get the rythm going but it doesn't come to you until you're a quarter through. from there on, you're on an endophine high all e way till it's almost the finish line. you start blowing past people who you never though you'd catch up with. sooner or later, the exams come. the finishing line just before you. you have that last 400m to go but you find yourself struggling all of a sudden. energy levels fall drastically. you push yourself even though cos you know you can do it. once you pass that finish line, you crash and burn. you do that with a lot of relief but with a huge sense of accomplishment though. then you look bag with a huge wide smile splashed across your fat face. this time though, the million kilometer run just became 2 million. 6 months of internship after that. hope the chefs help me out there.

just went through my facebook friend's list. sick and tired of having to read through all the crap posted by people i don't know. got rid of a few ghosts. though there's this one person who has been getting on my nerves for quite some time now. though i can't find the heart in me to click the delete button beside her name. every single nonsensical idiotic posts she puts sends this burning wave of frustration all the way from my feet up to my brain. apparently i'm not the only one who feels the same here. not that i went on a survey spree to find that out, it's just that i've been told. it's a serious wonder not only for me but quite a number of people, who up till today still has one question unanswerable in our heads about her. her existence. no purpose in life, no ambition, no will and no drive. at least one of these would do a person wonders. helpless and insufficient, not to mention the irony of having a number of qualifications but it seems that those qualifications are just pieces of paper. one of these days, she'll be gone from the list.

well, bags are packed, new additions to the toolkit that already weighs a ton, and a really really early and long day ahead tomorrow. yippy yay my ass.

eye opener

2011-01-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

just got back from a week long trip. went to hong kong, foshan PRC, macau & back to hong kong again. the different living conditions blows ones mind, yet bringing you a bout of epiphany and appreaciation. At the same time for me, bringing back memories that i wish i could relive. if given the chance, i would not think twice about living in hong kong again. though over-populated, but still one of the best places to settle in, if possible.

landing at the hong kong airport, going by lantau island in the bus, images of the huge buddha statue and the hawkers selling them delicious fishballs arose in my mind. looking at the familiar MTR signs and the landscape of the mountains on the way into the city, you wish the bus ride never ended. either that or time would just stop there for a couple of mins for you to absorb the scenery. then upon entering the crowded streets of hong kong, nostalgia hit me straight away. the chinese signs, one next to another in the same area. the cool winter weather that was just right. almost immediately after checking into the hotel, we dove into the sea of people on the streets and began our hunting for the best roasted meats on planet earth. the sound of people speaking in cantonese. the milk tea. the red and green taxis. the mini buses. i've been missing all this for the past 10 yrs.

heading into china, pollution immediately hit us. the grey skies that the sun can never penetrate. the uncountable number of bicycles. people spitting on any dry spot that they can find, the huge junctions with zebra crossings, the reckless driving and all that. everyday is survival of the fittest for them. crossing the street is like taking a walk down one of the tunnels of a pharaohs tomb that's booby trapped. you have to be on a constant look out, sometimes ending up stranded between lanes as buses zoom past you in front and back. not to mention, the switch of right hand drive to left. almost close to a switch in dimensions when you're behind the wheel. not to mention the extreme change in temperatures from hong kong and foshan. this is a place where u wish you could see things in slow motion just because you're unable to keep up with the pace. yet you realise just how pampered the environment that we live in is. we're aren't still going through the first stages of developments that some countries are. after witnessing first hand then are you able to fully appreciate what singapore is nowadays. this is probably the main fact why people of our generation nowadays have so much complaints even though there isn't anything to complain about.

down to macau to more friendly weather. probably can be labelled the city that never sleeps of the east. full of casinos and gambling addicts for sure. having walked into the venetian, an architectural milestone, it amazes me how they manage to get a replica of venice down to the smallest detail. the second thing is the massive size of their casinos. you walk in and you think you've seen it all. think again. it's like the great wall of jackpot machines, poker tables, russian roulette and such. you keep thinking that's it but then you come upon another room of betting tables and machines. from monopoly using real money, to dice. travelling around the islands is beautiful as well. the long bridges connecting them, overseeing the waters like brooklyn bridge. looks really impressive during the night. and not to mention the macau tower that you can see the whole island while you have your lunch/dinner. plus bungee jumping from 62 stories high? i'll do it if i could. too bad mom and dad were there.

would i make this trip again? besides foshan, definitely. you just want to dig into every nook and cranny just to expose yourself and be able to see everything that isn't available in singapore. though i hope it's with someone else come next time.

heavy

2010-12-27T07:42:00.001-08:00

back in sg since 2 weeks ago. terms ended. got the damned certs from the first term. like finally. wondering when only will i receive the certs for the last term. slightly disappointed with the results. at least i'm still in it. besides rock climbing and soccer, i can probably say this is the only third thing that i have set my heart and mind to and still have not given up on yet. relationships cannot be classified in this category. these are attainable and predictable goals.

it's funny cos remembering just 2 weeks ago, the last 3 days before my flight back to sg, i was kinda looking forward to getting a break from all the shit that was happening back in syd. came back and met the awesome bunch. was fed lots of news breaking info and great food. guess it only lasts the 2 weeks. my dad is still an ass as usual. still treating me like i'm 14 or 15. brother, as obnoxious as always. mom, nagging at everything she can get her hands on. it's an earful i wake up to everyday. right, like i said, i was looking to have a getaway. a break from all the crap i had for the last mth. guess not. more like back to hell. if i had stayed in aus, sure my friends wldn't be there. they'd be all back in their countries. some have jobs. i can't get one due to my time table in school. no one will hire me for just a mth and half. at least i wldn't have to sit through all this belittling and nagging. at least i could go anywhere i wanted without being interrogated first. at least i had a life. thought of gg to indo. air tickets were too expensive. oh well.

as people say, the leopard will never change it's spots. hell a tiger's stripes wldn't change either. how right and sensible that is i have realised. back after 6 months, haven seen people in ages, everyone else all asks for meet ups and chill out sessions. the first thing a certain girl asks for is for me to treat her cos i haven given her anything in 6 mths. wtf? she's bounced so fast that she's become a hate figure in the community, and she comes back and expects me to take it like nth happened between us before and talk to her like how we used to talk. those around who witnessed it, just simply pushed themselves away. who's to blame? i didn't do anything. so for once stop pointing your maaaaafuckin fingers around. enough is enough. if u wanna wither and die this way then do so yourself. don't drag anyone else along with you cos we all ain't interested. stick to your scrawny boyfriend who hasn't yet seen the damage you can and have already inflicted. just don't come spew your bullshit cos we ain't taking a single bit of it.

women, ladies, girls, whatever. i've given up on that prospect now. tired of looking and committing and getting disappointed. they keep saying that it's the guys who have trouble committing. i think the latter. sometimes you have to wonder if the right person is actually just around you. that you don't have to look far or keep meeting new people. then again, i can't date a person who i can't hold a conversation with either. IQ but no EQ? na-ah. not for me.

liberation

2010-12-05T00:06:00.001-08:00

down to the final week of the intermediate term. exams are tomorrow and on thursday. then it's back to singapore for a nice little holiday. sounds good. then again i have my reservations. i have to say though, that this term, this 2 and 1/2 months passed real quick. it was kind of a drag when i was back in basic. now look, i'm already going to do my intermediate exam. all in all, if i pass with no problems, no mistakes, it's 2 qualifications, 4 certs. another 2 to go and a diploma up for grabs.

once again i'm gonna say this. Australia is filled with either crazy or lazy people. none whom falls in between. everywhere you go, it's a pain to get things done no matter how well you pre-ampt things. the people here just don't function well. it takes them a day to send a message from their hands or ears to the brain. then another day to send an action signal down to the hands or feet. it's a pain to get things done here. If not for the disfunctional systems set up here, they don't wanna get a job. you will find around every corner, someone well dressed in a decent set of clothes, coming up to you asking for a couple of dollars for them to take a bus or buy cigs. or they will just try to nick one of you if you were a smoker. sticks of death or joy, either way, people work to get the money to buy them. Yet there are those who look healthy with a pot belly and they'd rather not look for a job and look around to free-load off strangers. the only way i see as an advantage for me here is, i'll easily rise to the top anywhere if i put in effort. cos people here just don't have the drive to better themselves or make a choice to improve their living ways.

there's a thing called karma. don't do onto others what you don't want done unto you. what goes around comes around. blah blah blah. you get the idea. be it just friendships or a relationship. i don't know how many times am i gonna allow myself to be the victim again. taking empty promises from women and giving myself false hope, only to be let down again at the end of the day. the accountless number of times i've been brought up high and kicked down again and again. it may seem unfair to the unsuspecting new lady, but i'm tired. tired of all this crap. tired of being pointed at and blamed for everything that goes wrong in their lives, and taken for a joke. i don't deserve this. just when i gather enough courage to end it, she comes crawling back and begging. then i melt and give in. *sigh* and i take onboard all the promises and apologies again. few weeks or months down the road, i smack right into the great wall of disappointment again. then i have to pick myself off my fat ass again. if they say there's the big guy up there and he really exists, just when is he gonna let me off and give me a break from all this crap? it's enough that i'm here living a life that i haven lived before. it's enough that i'm having to settle in on my own. not that i'm complaining. it's not enough that i have to confine myself within the 4 walls of a hamster cage of a room because of money restraints. i still have to baby a 24 yr old and listen to her crap. a job that her mother should have done a good 20 yrs ago. for once, i would love to feel what's it like to be taken care of by a woman besides my mom. i would love to be able to talk to her on the same level. build something substantial with her.

sometimes i just look at this relationship that is already labelled a failure, and i laugh at it while trying to find a reason to justify it's existence. i have been to tom & tom's cafe at top ryde everyday for the past 3 weeks in preperation for my theory papers. so much that even the barista talks to me about more things under the sun than she does. how cool is that? the barista can hold a more interesting conversation with you than compared to your partner? even the cashier at woolies asks me more more things than her. the worst part, my friends would put in the effort to spend more time with me and talk to me knowing that i'm stuck in this doomed relationship. how sad is that? to top all this off, she doesn't know what's happening at all. stuck in that little own world of her own, with that perverse obsession with babies, and refusing to open her eyes and face reality. all for the plain simple stupid reason, she's afraid. that doesn't sound sane at all to me. in fact not to anyone. i'm tired of putting up with the excuses. please, i beg you, whoever it is who has the power invested in them to give me a nice break. if it wasn't bad enough that my ex was giving me hell and suspecting me of everything, including things found where the sun don't shine, when i'm here tryin to settle in and set my life up.

2 praticals to go, 1 more week, and a month and a half holiday. then it's time for superior.

deflated.

2010-11-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

long time since i posted something. not that anybody reads or cares. but i need an outlet. ppphhhhhhhwwwooooo! well, halfway through intermediate cert II. theory exams are a week away. prac exams are 2 weeks away. and holidays are 3 weeks away. in need of a god damned break. from school, from people, from life. but then again it's e same as running away from everythings. i'm not a runner. if i did i'd be hypocritical of myself. no can do.

just wonder how many adults do i have to come across in my life that i have to take care of. where has all the back bones gone? helpless beings who will die if u left them to fend on their own. don't know this and that. then wth do they know. one who's nothing but a load of bullshit. spouting countless empty promises from that trap of hers and never keeping one. then turning around and biting me in the ass when she can't get her way. expects me to forget and forgive just like that. here's something for her to think about. why not let a freight train ram u in the face and see if it heals and forms back on it's own and looks as good as b4. food for thought. the world doesn't revolve around you. there's a thing called karma. it's gonna come back right at you. i'm tired of your excuses and your bitching and the provocative and idiotic comments you pass if you have nothing of substance to talk about, just shut it. nobody will think you're stupid if didn't say anything. if you wanna know, yes the green bear is still sitting on my table and the cards and photos are still with me. so are the letters. thing is i don't pass stupid comments to get your attention cos it's not worth the effort. u had a chance, if not many. if not again, millions. you never took one of them and took me for granted. so when u asked for another, u think imma be a fool and give in again? think about someone other than yourself for once. fuck this shit.

then there's the other. 24yrs old. not a clue in the world how things are done. no ambition. can't run for fuck but she can run like the wind whenever problems arises. you think a r/s can be built with that for a foundation? does nothing with her life. same thing about never taking comments in the positive manner. happy sitting there wasting her life away. i wasn't born to waste my life away i'm sorry. so wake up or get shipped out. looking at things, chances are you're getting shipped out. let alone emotional matters, you can't even look after yourself. don't know how to manage your household and can't be fucked to make use of urself. don't want to do this don't wanna do that and this and that. just happy sitting there being a couch potato for the rest of your life. no value for money and the importance of goals. you had too easy a childhood and your only defence and excuse which u repeatedly use is, i was too protected when i was a kid. so what? am i suppose to protect you now? u're not handicapped, have a pair of arms and legs, a brain, use them. u haven been through life hard enough to do it i know. soft hands and unblemished feet. smooth skin. no scars nor signs of use. come on. i'm not here to baby you. i'm here to build a life with you. but you haven even started building your own life yet. and can't be bothered to.

and if that's not enough, there always must be the idiotic indian present. and if it isn't enough that he has lost practically all his friends, he still fucks it up by doing the indecent in someone else's home. and he has to be indian. if my impression of indians weren't bad enough already. from malaysia to sg to here. and not to add but, aussies are either crazy, lazy or beggars. get a fucking job and earn some money. stop asking people off the streets. stop trying to get a free buck or two. it ain't a free world. make use of your abilities. it's probably one of the worst countries to retire in, but still better to retire in than compared to sg. because of the locals, we immigrants have difficulty getting the PR cos they want more jobs for the locals. BUT THE LOCALS AREN'T EVEN BOTHERED ABOUT HAVING A JOB!!! so fuck that.

it just pisses me off how people fail to see the important points in life that has to be emphasized on. yes i live by the motto of "you can't take life too seriously". but there are some things which you simply cannot ignore. cos it's basics. and basics are the foundation to anything. u only apply that motto after you've made sense of your life.

le cordon bleu round 2

2010-10-17T00:05:00.001-07:00

yeah first week of school out of the way. the holidays are gone too quick. though i got in a hell lot of climbing time. improvements in every single climb. finishing more and more difficult routes. tension getting better. balance getting better. plus the fact that climbing with stronger climbers around you makes you push yourself harder just to get there.

i have to say that intermediate cuisine's timetables is seriously fucked up. mon & tues is 1pm-10pm. wed 330pm-10pm. thurs & sat are from 730am-2pm while friday's are from 730am-5pm. what kinda time table is that? jesus christ. it kills. the only up side of this time table is that this term i have the time to get some climbing in. though not as much as during the hols. just 2 days a week for the next 8 weeks.

been watching a few movies and reading a few books during the hols. sorry but i had to go into the area of religion again. sad to see that so many people believe in god in the wrong way. you don't believe for the sake of religion. you understand the religion and it's teachings and practice it in your life, not copy and paste it into your life. religion isn't to worship and replicate god. religion is god teaching you how life should be lead. your job is to reflect it. i repeat it once again. REFLECT. NOT REPLICATE. i did say before that i would take up a religion for the sake of marriage. now after watching the movies/documentaries and reading the books, i would like to fine tune that statement. i would take up a religion, only if the other half believes in religion the right way.

well it's back to the busy lifestyle once again. that should explain well enough this short and sudden post. that's the only time i have to make any posts. 8 more weeks and i'm back in sg. though this year's bday of mine if probably gonna be the most boring. no time nor money to celebrate.

post exam syndrome

2010-09-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

i'm finally done with basic. aced it. so frickin worth the late nights and long standing hours and turmoils, but i could have been better off without a few things. what's done is done and it's all behind now. nothing better than just looking ahead and bracing myself for intermediate. whatever it may be, at the end of the day, i want that distinction printed on my cert. that's the best way to wear the chef's hat.

post exam syndrome = messy room for a few days. yeah that's pretty much what everyone goes through. couldn't tolerate the sight of it any longer so today i did a little cleaning up. now my room looks nice and tidy again. went to ikea today. got those damn heavenly meatballs. bought two packs this time round so that i don't have to go back again so soon. remember transport here is quite expensive. i'm definitely gonna have an ease of mind traveling when i get back to sg. taxi's are cheaper. buses are cheaper. i have a car at my expense. for once i see a point in going back for 1 and 1/2 months besides family and friends. well i finally got that broken water jug replaced. got one from ikea. looks a lot better too. got a few more cups for drinking water and beer or whatever, cos i don't wanna keep using my mugs for everything. feels kinda weird. got a new pepper and salt dispenser thing. forgot what it was called. had a real pain in the ass one. finally got that replaced. went around looking for a laser pointer today. the cheapest one was frickin $36. whatever happened to the cheap and simple ones? man-eating out here.

after a 2 month climbing drought, i finally made my way to a bouldering gym. IT WAS MASSIVE. well compared to the ones available in SG though. sadly it didn't have a high wall. so much for bringing my harness. made a couple of new friends. found someone who was half singaporean too. and there was a really quiet cute labrador there too. feels too much like home. just makes me think of SP and ashley. nicely contoured walls and an open climbing concept. doesn't stink, and it feels like my own gym in my garage. and i pay just 11 bucks. worth the whole fuckin trip there for sure. 5 bucks on the train, makes it just 16 bucks to enjoy my whole day. well next term i have classes in the morning which leaves my afternoons free, which means i can get a whole lot more climbing in. after so long of no climbing, i literally felt i was back at square 1. all that training, endurance, skin all gone. familiarized myself with my old friends. blisters they're called. i'm sure you know them as well. had to break into my shoes AGAIN. 2 months of not wearing them, think they shrunk back to their original sizes. toes were screaming in pain again. it's all worth it at the end of the day. brought some friends along. expanding the climbing community once again.

funny thing about being here till today, i think i've become more korean than australian. great bunch they are though. being here just gives me a break from the stuck up people back at home. wish i could drag the great bunch here to enjoy with me.

catapulting pressure

2010-08-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

6 weeks gone, 3 weeks more to go. ups and downs, shit happens life goes on. that really starts to kick in now. some things are beyond my control, some things just go out of control. some things in life, you just have to force yourself to let go and forget no matter how much you don't want to, cos you just know nothing's gonna help it anymore no matter how hard you try or whatever ideas you try to implement.

broken promises and empty hope. well, been through that enough to last me a life time. think i could make do without that. it'll definitely stop adding to the pressure form the upcoming exams and the stress from trying to manage 6 days a week in school. sometimes you just feel so tired that you just want to have a day to yourself and enjoy it, but you can't afford to do that. cos there's other things that need priority. what can i do? hold out till the whole thing is over. just like sitting in an airplane. halfway through the flight, there's bound to be turbulence. are you gonna jump off the plane just cos you don't like it? no. first if u do u'll put everyone else's life in danger. just like how u think selfishly and it affects the loved ones around you. and second, life isn't a bed of roses. though there are obstacles, they can be overcome with patience and determination. the first step to failing? thinking about giving up. then there's the thing about external pressure. when it comes from something that you do not have confidence in, when it comes from something that you cannot see any self benefits, you will shy away. the more pressure there is, it becomes a brisk walk, then a run, then a sprint away from it. just like the pesty insurance agents in their office shirts and ties standing outside the shopping malls and chasing everyone down like a dog just to get that damned signature to earn their commission. do they care about u? no. they just want what's for themselves. same situation we come across in our lives just with different content of the problems.

another thing i hate is when someone comes in and initiates command whether you like or not. they disregard your feelings, thoughts, personal space and rights. regardless whether that person is your parent or your spouse or just a friend, it doesn't matter cos it's still an invasion into my personal circle. more often than not, when you do that, you don't normally please the person. more often than not, you piss him/her off. but this all can be prevented by simply just asking first. something as easy as that and many people fail to incorporate that into their manners. Weird? not so weird after you see it time and again in front of your very own eyes or it happens to you all the time. parents for example, will never be able to eliminate the idea that you're their big baby. in some cases it is an advantage to you. in most cases, it just kills your ego. and you can't do a thing about it. shit happens, life goes on. though i guess this time, a lesson learnt to who it may concern, if you did something and you realised that it was one of the most stupid things you chose to do in your life. if it goes overboard, you live the rest of your existant life regretting that. don't think i wanna live that kinda life.

well been awake since 10 in the morning. done my laundry, change my bedsheets, cleaned my whole toolkit, cleaned my room, ate my lunch and took a dump. and it's already 3pm. the temptation of the bed is calling out to me to just jump right in and take a nice little nap. but i've got so much school work to do. reports, assignments, revision yada yada yada. just 3 more weeks to hold out. 2 more weeks to the first exam. god bless me.

alone

2010-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

well. 4 weeks into school. theory exam's in 4 weeks time. practical exam's in 5 weeks time. time flies doesn't it? wow. sometimes you wish it would pass at a faster rate, sometimes you just wish it'll slow down. sometimes you find it a drag, sometimes you find it difficult to catch your breath.

well, living alone has it's pros and cons. to me there's more pros though. not as easy as the talk as you have more work on your hands other than your usual job or school. the housekeeping, laundry, cooking and grocery shopping. for my case, i don't have time to step out of my neighbourhood. i guess sight seeing has to wait till after my exam. though i've been around, i haven been to the major areas yet. found a climbing gym 20 mins from my place so that's good. solved my climbing neccesities. the shopping centre just round the corner solves my grocery and de-stress activities for the time being. living alone sometimes gets a little bored. you're on your own and the only other person to talk to in your apartment is your landlord. other than that, it's pretty much just msn and facebook. though again i cannot spend much time on that cos i'm going through a daily routine which goes something like this. wake up, eat, school for classes, break, class, go home, cook, eat, wash up, bathe, study, sleep. it's been like this for the past 4 weeks. my sunday's are taken up by my laundry and housekeeping. little breaks in between and i leave the rest of the day to cleaning my tool kit and my studies. sounds pretty boring doesn't it? it's really boring.

the other way i can look at this is, after 9 months, it's down to 3 days a week. i can then get a job and have more income and have more time for play. also, another 5 more weeks and i have a 2 week break. well that aside, just broke up recently. to some it may not be a surprise, to some it may. why? many factors leading from waaaaaaaay back. why? well you go figure. there's definitely the disappointment, in my case a whole lot, to deal with. just trying not to let it affect me now cos it wouldn't be a really good idea. exams coming up. tests every other week. really can't afford to blow it this time. sadly one who i expect to understand this can't. oh well. shit happens, life goes on. i really wonder how politicians go through with their lives. don't they get tired of the constant debates and arguements with opposition parties? i do.

was just going through my songs on my ipod. came across taking back sunday, lost prophets and funeral for a friend. played a couple of them. kinda "self-moshed" in my head. god i miss those times. u think of nothing. u expand all that raw energy and mosh away all night long. no worries. no problems. pure estacy. pure adrenaline. raw sweat and energy. sigh.

autumn

2010-08-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

3 weeks since i've been here. through the second week of school and onto the third. tests and assignments coming up and i'm manouvering around the kitchen with a stump of an index finger. managed to cut half my nail off actually. it's better now. but i still stop the bandaging just yet. so i've got sort of an immobile index finger on my left hand. it slows down my chopping and dicing and mixing cos it's stiff and it still is a little ginger when slight pressure is added. oh well. get well quickly. i wanna start working normally asap. i need them marks!

mom's gone back to sg. so it's officially the start of my lonely student life here in sydney. sis is just a stone's throw away from my place but she's got her own commitments and her own way of life now. not to mention i've got 6 days of school a week. if you add up the time i spend in the kitchen a day, the whole week's worth adds up to 24hrs. 1 full day. shiiiiit. so you pretty much have an idea how tired it gets everyday. not for pastry though. that's just fun. think coverture choc and fresh whipped cream. that's enough to keep you going for the day.

dying to go climbing again. can't wait for the 2 week break. have a new tool kit to look after now other than my climbing shoes. sometimes it gets kinda lonely in my room. oh well, just have to look forward to the next day of friends and lessons. i hope this dang finger recovers by the two week break. I NEED TO CLIMB! haven been able to keep up my training regime for the past weeks cos i've been oh so busy. finding my room, then school, then assignments and tests, then setting up my place while all of that happens. you can just imagine. haven been able to keep in contact with much of sg due to the time difference one, and two, people just don't seem to like home that much anymore nowadays. getting home late even though there's nothing on for the day. i mean if you have got other commitments then fine. some of these people that i know, have got nothing but time on their hands. but they just let it run away just like sand running through your fingers.

haven been able to talk to my baby girl much. one due to time difference again. two due to miscommunications. the problems arising are still the same old ones. though there is improvement. guess i need to be away for longer to see more improvement. sounds right doesn't it? too close in proximity and i get shit thrown at me. the moment i whisk off to sydney things start to get sweeter like a tower of chocolate fondue. it changes from a mudslide to a fountain as the temperature goes up. tastes better too. guess we'll see how things go from here and act accordingly.

oh i forgot to mention. i'm studying in le cordon bleu sydney. god damn i feel like i'm in korea cos at least 75% of the students here are korean!!! everywhere i turn i hear a korean conversation. if i walk into the locker room and say "ahnyehosaiyo" i'd get 10 greetings back.

Hello Mate!

2010-07-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Settled into my nice little room. It can get quite cold in the morning bcos i'm on the top floor. Other than that, it's a nice little humble place. School is starting on monday. Got to wear boots again sadly. CRAP! Hello foot rot, we meet again. That aside, a nice uniform, nice huge tool kit. Something that i will have to lug around in the near future day in day out. Oh well. Master Chef here i come? I got a 6 day time table. Full day starting from 9 in the morning till 6 in the evening for mon, tues, thurs and fri. Some sort of a half day starting from 11 in the morning till 6 in the evening for weds and sats. Yes i know, cramped. Though my classes consists of just 3 different types of classes. There's definitely the theory part. Then there's the Demo part where the classroom is exactly like those studios on tv. Last but not least, practicals. Where the sweat and running and the excitement and pressure all jumbled into one. Best part of that is i get to take the food home. Which means i save on dinner. Though the best part of this whole thing is that my apartment is just opposite my school. takes me 5 mins to walk to school. Sweet.

Well having unpacked everything, the next thing that comes along is doing some research. Well non needed for my school anymore. Research for the nearest climbing gym. it's a 40min bus ride from my place. sweet. though from the looks of my time table, it looks like i'm gonna be climbing a whole lot less now. bummer. all the more to look forward to dec. back to sg, for 2 good months, hello sprc, hello CA. Excellent. Yet to see the sights. Probably do a lil of touring during this last weekend of my long extended freedom. Shall leave the rest to the remaining 2 years i've got here. one main thing though that i've got to take a picture of, is the sydney opera house during the day and night. one each. have already been on the trains, a lil confusing though cos there's so many different platforms in some areas. well if i survived in japan with everything in japanese, i'm sure this would not get any more difficult. have not been on the buses just yet though. though the buses look more well kept compared to SG. Smaller in capacity. probably due to the fact that almost everyone has a car here. can get a nice lil second hand SUV for just over 7grand. definitely looking forward to that.

After a week here and getting used to the people around here, i just think australia should be an asian country after all. the amount of immigrants is endless. just the other day on the train, at this particular station, after the train stopped, my whole cabin was filled with china aunties. the next station the indians and some other races came in. Saw a couple of malays here and there. thank god there are no matreps and minahs here nor are there ah bengs or ah lians nor the skinny act tough indians. though there are the lebanese who love creating a whole bunch of trouble in certain areas. not to forget the odd local who is a true racist. got my first taste of it just the other day from someone driving by. not quite used to it, but i will get used to it in time to come. welcome to the world people.

Then there's the inefficiency of the singapore armed forces to talk about. they still have not sorted out my exit permit. it has been three weeks now since i applied. getting on my nerves really will have to give them a call again come monday cos they don't work on saturdays. spoke to numerous representatives and every single one of them gave me different information. the term to describe that? what the fuck??!! oh well. this just shows once again how anal the system really is. imagine every thing else that's an 8 hr flight away can be settled within a day, and when i am in singapore mainland, they can't get anything right. wow. jaw-dropping.

there are things about singapore i do miss. first and most importantly my baby girl. longest i will be spending being away from her. though the webcam sessions will allow me to see and hear her. though there's one thing i won't be able to get is her smell. oh well. then there's the friends. the people who never fail to entertain my day and share the good times with. the ones who always have your back. then there's the cheap food and transport. Then there's the free climbing. oh well. all these will have to wait till december.

oh and one more thing. australians are probably the most blind people around. you can be just 5 feet away from them and they can just walk right into you. how? i got no bloody idea.

G'Day Mate!

2010-07-10T01:11:00.000-07:00

Bye Singapore, Hello Australia. Sitting in the city of Ryde in Sydney, in the living room of my sister's apartment. Drinking hot, hot tea in this chilly winter. I've only got to thank that i arrived after the coldest time of winter. Pretty much enjoying the weather here except when it comes to night. It can get quite cold when it's dark. Well, this is my ticket to escape, so here I am, in Sydney, enjoying the weather, trying to start my own life.

So far i've been feeling kinda good here. I feel slimmer, tanned, and i'm not the tallest anymore. That aside, it's easier for me to find my food. Everything that you normally pay really high prices for in Singapore but it's their hawker food here. Not to add the fact that for hawker food, it's good stuff.

settling in just fine. been busy looking for a room. getting used to the winter easily. oh well. nothing much happened so far. so i'm just gonna blog till here for now. took loads of pics already for the first 2 days.

oh and it does feel kinda weird without any friends to go out with nowadays. been runnin around almost everyday in sg. no baby. no climbers. gonna get accustomised to that . well there are those who i miss and those who i don't. won't say who or why here. except for one and that's my babygirl of course. regardless of all e shit she's thrown at me. =)

hallucinations

2010-06-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

license, check. macbook, check. testarossa, check. what more do i need? times drawing to a close on my time in sg. heading very soon to aus. not complaining though. new country, new sights, new challenges, fresh air.

turmoil and turbulence. that's what i'd use to describe something now. turmoil because of the doubts and misdeeds. turbulence because of the constant use of explosives and firepower. never once resorting to diplomacy. why? i don't know. diplomacy will never cross the mind until damage has been done. isn't it a bit too late by then? when damage and losses have been incurred, how do u expect one to carry on as per normal? how do u expect one to carry on as per normal with just 3 limbs left, or some non at all? no this isn't war i'm talking about. which makes one wonder why the huge extent of damage.

last and final comp in sg coming up. though i might just be missing the finals for some stupid trip up to msia. damn. sometimes my parents just make me wanna scream my head off at them. then i sit down and think. what's the point? they've been like this for as long as they're alive, what difference does it make if i scream? they'll still point the finger back at me. My visa application has a few glitches that has surfaced now. 3 weeks from my flight. and my parents say it's my fault for processing the application so late. they asked me to wait till april when i told them as early as febuary. wow. about the comp? i told my mom a month ago that i'd be having a double weekend comp this month, so if they wanted me to make a trip up to msia, could it be after or during the weekdays. as usual, i'm the one to blame now for letting them know just 2 days ago. WTF????

well it's down to days and weeks without work again. finally. sick of that job. though i might just be getting paid if i helped out next week with the rock master wall. oh well. we'll see if i can get the car.

Progession

2010-05-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

well well. it's been a looooong time. i know it looks dead. people get busy sometimes so, oh well.

things were kinda rocky with baby awhile back. though it looks like the rough seas have settled for the time being. forever gg head to head against each other. things i tell her for her own good but being stubborn as usual, she lets it in one ear and out the other. finding the most insignificant thing to argue with me about and countering with the smallest point, just because she wants to have the final say. oh well. at least now i've found a way to deal with it. just hope things will work out by itself from now. if not she knows wad i'll do. other than that, it's been sweet and simple so far.

it's not only until recently that i've felt the improvements, and seen it in my climbing. tiles i could never hold before and i can now. moves i couldn't do but i can now. routes i could never imagine gracing the wall for and now i can almost finish them. cause of all these things, my sights have been set higher. lost weight, became stronger, so why not?

working at bukit merah polyclinic now. the job seriously gives u high blood pressure. it seems as though even though u aren't, but people grow deaf as they get older. deaf in the sense that they manage to block your voice out cos they are so stubborn. they call SG an improving nation. one that keeps moving forward. but people just do not seem to want to listen or improve themselves. if you are 80-90 yrs old fine. as the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. however, i'm also talking about the young people. teenagers, young adults, middle aged beings. people who still have the capability to expand their knowledge and skills. yet they are just so lazy to the point where they don't wanna learn how to operate a simple touch screen. they are too shy to simply ask. why? i do not know. so the government is saying that SG is an improving nation? from these small things that i witness everyday, i think it's becoming stagnant. you throw a teenager, let's just say an 18 yr old out in the wild on his own, he'd be torn to shreds and eaten alive. wild not meaning literally in the forests. wild meaning letting him survive on his own. whether is he street smart or not. oh and people just do not read signs even if they received a full education up to a university degree. why? i don't know either.

well pumpfest is coming this end of the month, allez meng.

back aches

2010-03-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

well it's time for another timely update. well....not exactly timely looking at how long i haven posted anything here. doink.

TP's drawing near. next tues to be exact. ever since they've become more strict abt the traffic regulations and allllll, guess i've to be extra careful too. once that blue card comes into my hands, life's gonna be a lot more convenient. sending the wife home. getting to places when there's no public transport available. heading to far places where taking public transport costs too much and is a pain in the ass as well. heading home after a long tiring day of training in the rock gym. not to add the fact that i shouldn't be counting the chickens before they hatch. wad i need to do now is to make sure i don't do anything majorly stupid on that day itself.

got back into the competition scene after 3 years of absence. just to see where i stand. ns and operations and work have all hampered my training over that long period. now i'm back with time on my hands to do something about my climbing. to get myself to a stage where i could do things i've always wanted to do on the wall. signs like my pair of 3 mth old miuras wearing down show. 2 months to the next comp. here i come.

well it's also been 2 mths into this new relationship of mine. good times and bad times are an abundance. we've been doing okay so far. many things to work on. not gonna divulge much for now. just hope things will run smoothly. a couple of bumps that comes along the way, we'll work it out.

life's a joke

2010-02-27T11:41:00.001-08:00

as simple as that

civilisation and it's beauty

2010-02-08T08:15:00.001-08:00

alright if i'm not gonna post something today, then i ain't human. so first up......

ORD LOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

yes i've been screaming that the whole day. parading around my work place while biting on to my ic in the morning. enjoying my last and final day to the fullest. smelling the fresh air of civilisation beyond the camp gates. walking out those gates and knowing i don't have to look back at it again. damn it feels good. feels so damn good.

well what they say is true. love only grows. you've gotta be a part of it to know it. to experience it. to feel it. it's acceptance of a being in your life at it's best. i definitely can't get enough of it. wonder what she thinks. =p

well the first thing that i have to do back in civilisation is GET A JOB! jesus. they seem to disappear all of a sudden. no one's hiring part timers these days that much i guess. but heck imma find one by hook or by crook. i need my money!!

bliss

2010-01-26T08:42:00.001-08:00

just learnt a life lesson, that never be afraid of doing something even if u think it might be the worst idea u've ever come up with. cos things might just take an unexpected turn for the better. when that happens, it cld be the best thing ever in ur lifetime.

learn to overcome the stupid word fear. cos when i did that, what i got in return was love, affection, trust and companionship. simply put, i was given the opportunity to love the woman i love. so i grabbed that opportunity with both hands and legs and my set of teeth. cos i'm pretty sure it'll be the only one i'll get.

though there was a lot of fog ahead of us at first, but i'm happy we managed to find a way through. now with the chance for us to make it work, i'll be sure to do all in my might to make it work. been out of action for awhile. doesn't mean it's a bad thing. just means that i've all the best reserved for her now.

i just enjoy being around her. cos she lets me be myself. doesn't ask anything of me and doesn't expect anything of me. though i still want to give her the best as long as i can do so. for now this is all i can offer. i wanna work towards giving her more. and on another positive note, i don't think i've ever been this happy at the start of a r/s b4. it just erupts throughout ur body.

..........

oh yeah one more thing.

I LOVE YOU FIQ!!!

mindfuck

2010-01-11T11:01:00.001-08:00

listening to explosions in the sky while my mind's racing and emotions flowing. wtfffff

in the blink of an eye

2009-12-30T09:55:00.000-08:00

well. 2 days to 2010. another year to get over. another year older. more wrinkles. one difference though. i'm through with the army. like finally. my hair's coming back. gonna get a part time job that i'll enjoy. plus i'm gonna get out of the country. new year and new resolutions. pffft. yeah right. let's not waste time with that. what you find over the years is that it's not the resolutions that makes your year. rather it's what u manage to do in that year that makes it great for you.

sometimes having a load of time in your hands is like getting sober after a real fucked night of drinking. you suddenly find that your head isn't spinning anymore. the happiness is gone and all the movements and colours resume back to normal. you find that once again, you are thinking. that's when lots of things start running through your mind. with the right kind of music, you come to realise of the bullshit happening around you. like who's using you and who isn't. who's worth your time and who isn't. then you come to a point where you decide to make do without the people who just piles the bullshit on top of you. like there isn't enough alr. my usual response to these kinda people? _l_ CHEERS!! =D

if there's one thing that you must hear that i will be changing for 2010, then for all you milk suckers, i don't wanna be that nice anymore. ain't worth it. people just take you for granted. some don't even bother to take you seriously. so why bother? so far only few have stuck around. the rest are just either too busy with their monotonous lives or friends just don't matter. simply like if they lose one today they shall just make another tomorrow. my perfect response to that would be that yeah i don't matter to you so i ain't gonna waste my time on you. there are others who would cherish my presence. so fuck you.

well it's been a crazy year for me this 2009. well at least nothing happened that'll carry on to next year. so whatever mishappenings there might have been, i'm just gonna dump all behind me and walk forward, never ever ever looking back again.

And what better way to start the year than have the bloody beetroots right in front of you? 1st JAN HERE I COME!! WHOOHOOO!!! WHOOP WHOOP!!

randoms

2009-11-26T07:19:00.001-08:00

it's about time i change something on this page. been ages since i posted anything. been busy with loads of stuff. work. camp. parties. finally found a night that i'm home where i can just sit down and chill. kinda living the life now. in good ways and bad ways. thing is i know i'm having too much fun. that's good. but i'm overspending at the same time in order to achieve that. now that's the bad part.

started doing something abt my license already. but the nearest TP date is in march nxt year. jesus. i've to wait that fuckin long just to get some stupid plastic card just so that i can start getting around in a car. then it'll be so much easier for supper with the guys, and stay overs at sp, and heading to msia for short vacations. best part is i'll be driving a merc. though it's gonna be an old one but wth. it's still merc. a 40yr old merc will always protect you better than a tin can jap car.

finally am back into climbing actively again. have the battle scars to show for. torn skin. pulled tendon. and new shoes. LA SPORTIVA FOREVA!!!! got my hands on the miura finally. it's the perfect replacement for my venom. wanna preserve that shoe since there isn't anymore left in the market.

well i decided i need to find a gf. sometimes it's good to know that there'll always be someone there who'll never let you down. the only problem is finding that someone you can trust and love.

something's wrong with the com in my room. can't get the connection to the net. i need that damned macbook. i want my hands on it pronto.

countdown to ORD. after ORD it's countdown to life outta sg. i'm gonna need a long vacation after i ORD. a month away from sg? tempting.

new work year

2009-10-30T01:15:00.001-07:00

about 10 days into a 21 yr old's life. so far so good. nothing new. nothing's changed. just that i've been sick for the past week. that's besides the pt. didn't actually celebrate it either. not too big about it. went down 2 days b4 to zouk. mr. paul van dyke was in the house. got to hear a few epic songs before it was time for me to send my friend's drunk ass home. so much for enjoying the night huh. had a simple dinner on the night itself with a friend. steamboat at bugis. recieved the well wishes. though it's always the case that you're met with the same disappointment every year. people whom u'd expect most to hear from don't remember. and people who u never remember give you a lil nice surprise. which begs the question, what's the point of paying so much attention to these ppl?

NS is coming to an end. 3 more months. that's something to look forward to. it only happens once in a lifetime. and it's something u will never wanna go back in time to do again. see why we hate army so much in sg is not because it's a chore to train everyday. hell in fact you don't train everyday at all. rather is the disrespect that people have for the army. when u're in the states, britian, or let's just say european countries, even thailand and brunei. when the people see the army on the streets, regardless of ur rank, the people salute you. they respect you. they acknowledge the duties that u serve for the country. they treat u like royalty. In sg, all u get is "AHAHAHAHA ARMY BOY!". as an army boy, since the country treats you this way, it sorts of rubs off on you and u treat the public with the same attitude. but come to think of it, i AM spending the best years of my life in army. if it was my choice i wouldn't have a problem. in this case we "army boys" are being forced to. those who sign on are the ones who would have come to the army even if they didn't have to do NS. just when i start to ressurect my clubbing life, u feel that it's abt time u stop cos u're getting old.

been really really busy recently. running around wit a few friends trying to earn a lil more bread to bring home. tiring as hell. but the satisfaction when you see what comes into ur bank acc is something nothing else can beat. though in this period some funny things do happen. for instance two of them are attached. both in similar situations. but with extremely different outcomes. one who almost teared upon seeing his girl having not met up with her for almost a week. the other who got a huge fight dropped right into his lap cos the girl think he's cheatin on her. damn i had a good laugh. though seriously, if i had a gf, and if i was out there working my ass off for the good of our enjoyment, and she decides to pick a fight with me over something like this, i'd dump her immediately.

sometimes u really wonder whether are you being too nice to this person. then as incidents happen, u start pondering on whether he's taking advantage of you. then you start getting tons of excuses everytime you talk to him abt a certain touchy subject. then you're left confused. until u reach a situation when u're stuck and on the road of death and he doesn't have the integrity to right what was wrong. and then u feel so god damned stupid for all the given chances in the beginning. u get sick and tired of the neverending excuses and the sight of him sickens you to the pit of your stomach. u would love nothing more but to land a few right and left hooks in his face. this is the point of revealation where u know ur life wld be a ton better off without this person.

money to earn and things to buy. places to go and scenes to enjoy. but first, someone or something cure me. i've been sick for more than a week and i think it's abt time i get a breather from being sick.

hush hush

2009-10-07T07:05:00.001-07:00

it's amazing how ppl are so quick to judge. funny thing is who gave them the right to. one wrong word or one wrong action and you find yourself on some funny list of theirs. more than often that list isn't a good one. too sensitive or over pragmatic you decide. though there's always the perfect response to these people. rather it's my version of a perfect response. "CHEERS!! _l_ =D".

hasn't been much happening of late. same old boring days in camp. just new found motivation to go run and lose some of that weight. then hammer that climbing wall that owns me most of the time. also so that i can enjoy the climb i'm looking forward to in aus. also so that i can have a reason to go shopping for.

life can be boring. zouk gives me something to look forward to every weekend. though it ain't the best of clubs. at least it's better than powerhouse.

for the sake of marriage, i'd convert.

inhale.exhale

2009-09-17T02:45:00.000-07:00

finally a well deserved break. though it doesn't really count as one since i took one & half days off from camp to settle some personal matters. well at least i'm home on a thursday evening instead of camp. plus i don't have to wake at god damned 7 in the mornin tomorrow morn. now that my ankle's so much better and so much more mobile, climbing, soccer, driving, riding, here i come.

they ask me why am i back in the clubs when i stopped so long ago. well. here's a question. what do you get when you don't club? and what do you get when you do? for me it's nothing for the first and second, it's the people, music, booze, great company from friends and a whole lot of meaningless fun. that's what you can't get from elsewhere besides a club. speaking of clubs, was so looking forward to this sunday. due to mr. steve aoki being the guest dj. god knows why but it was cancelled. a total piss off. at least my mp3's full of him. so it's some consolation i guess.

parents of friends keep asking me the same question. "got gf or noooot?? aiyo! why don't have one?! i thought you youngsters nowadays no gf can die one?!!". i'd just tell them i was lazy. nothing to be my driving force for the hunt. they have a good laugh. i laugh along. i leave. then i sit down thinking on the whole ride home be it mrt/bus. there's one good nagging question which doesn't seem to be able to get out of my head. "why is it so difficult to let my guard down". i ask myself the same question over a 100 times and i still can't get an ans. it's as simple as just allowing yourself to plunge headfirst into your feelings. now though, i feel more like a chihuahua chained to a tree. why the use of a chihuahua is because that tiny mutt can never break anything using strength alone. that's how it feels inside. it's been over for almost a year but i still keep heading back to her blog to check if she's okay. to see if she's happy. it feels good to know but i don't know why. it's been almost 6 mths since she left me hanging dry but every now and then she still ruins my day by popping up in my head. why does it still happen? Now i'm entertaining this certain she for god knows what reason. even i don't know. but i endear her replies and the way she cares when she knows she needs to. though i'm sure it's nothing more than just being a friend. but when i sit down, 3 letters pop up in my head. WTF??!

one breaks up with you claiming that she hasn't had enough fun and she loves you to pieces. just so that moments later she puts u through a shredder by getting 2gether with some rich punk after 2 weeks. nothing seems to have affected her from b4. then the other chooses to lead you all the way into her cave. entices you into her lair, then opens up the floor beneath you and lets you drop a million miles and laughing while she watches. tell me why do i still care abt these two? and yet when there's one that i enjoy the company of, that i entertain as well regardless of the situation, and i can't bring myself out of this shell. it's like i handcuffed myself to the bed or a chair or something. like as though i strapped myself in a strap jacket. the insanity.

dodging bullets

2009-08-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

back in camp after a 2 mth long MC. things weren't that great thought the boredom was successfully killed. the moment i started work on monday, the moment i stepped into the medical centre, i could see the arrows flying everywhere. one of them is bound to hit me due to the lack of medics. then again, i didn't say how many "one"s were gonna hit you. heard the stories and listened to the complaints. guess nothing much did change except that for the factions created. just the fact that more hatred has brewed. more trouble and wars looming ahead. it's just 5 more months. so i'm just gonna shut up and move along. ORD in peace and in a single piece.

well my first weekend is gonna be burned. and so will the next. and probably the forseeable ones. work has become a staggering tower. let alone help around the medical centre. it's difficult to juggle both with the suffocating amount of patients. especially the uncooperative ones. the weather has been crazy and i've finally fallen sick. i could have fallen sick on any other day and have gotten an MC but i chose friday. not to mention that my weekend had already been cut short, i had to ruin it as well. will be spending the whole day outfield next week covering the recruits field camp. bloody recruits. you had to make me return to that damned place. though that place was where i had the best time of my army life in. no worries. plenty of exercise. no politics. no worries. so carefree. but all that is past. will have to spend 2moro shopping for my field camp needs and wants. zip lock bags and comfort food. wet tissues blah blah blah. will have to head down to the study fair to smoothen out some creases for my australia life. so much for weekends. pfft.

i hate the people around who think it's them against the world. every single living soul is an enemy to them. yet they dare to take advantage of those who choose to be nice to them. when it comes to a pt that we people have reached our limits, we're pointed at and blamed by these self-proclaimed universal soldiers. that's what makes us hate these people. have a bit of humility and know when to shut up and take shit. not dish it out. it sucks even more when we're all in the same boat, and these people choose to make it a turbulent ride instead of a pleasant one. we're here to help. to make a friend. to enlighten your life. not be the devil who you think we are.

then there are those who are self-proclaimed deep people just because they have a profound command of the english language. just because you are abt to utilise the fancy vocab in the proper way doesn't make you any deeper than anyone around you. running your mouth exclaiming your believes like a prophecy to the world doesn't make you deep. this is when practice comes into place. just because you speak doesn't show it. your actions and habits do. so think twice before you proclaim yourself to be deep. because when people see otherwise, they'll be turned off and will know you're nothing but a bitchin airbag.

i thought work would give my mind a break but it's still bursting with activity. it's not helping but is instead adding to the fatigue that i'm already getting from work itself. sometimes somehow i wish i could just drop everything and leave. but who'll be answerable. i wonder. there's one thing that i miss and that's riding on a bike down some random highway at 180km/h and letting the wind blow into your face with the visor up. you're just travelling with no aim and your have nothing at your hands but the throttle. the only thing that you want to do is keep wrenching at it. once you're done with that joy ride, you feel as though every single throbbing complication has been taken away by the wind. you have a good sleep. then it falls from the sky into your lap again the next day. that's when you give that face and say "fuck...". then you come back to reality once again. the sweet escape.

dust off shoulders

2009-08-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

digging myself out from the grave and getting back into the clubs after 2 years of being buried alive. not regretting though it could have been better. the people were mostly the same. short chicks in short dresses and a cake of make up. what's new. there were the few hot ones who knew how to dress and present. sad that i wasn't looking to get into some action. the saddest part was that i had drunk the same amount as my friend. i was absolutely 100% sober and was wondering when's the kick gonna come. my friend had alr gotten high. so much for wanting to see the world around you move faster.

after that experience back in taiwan, i felt it a bore to be in zouk actually. now it's been invaded with the matreps with floating caps and people who shuffle but can only last 5 mins. the dance floor has been invaded with posers and the legends have become has-beens. so show. though the dj was kinda hot. phuture was packed. packed to the max. with absolutely no room to move. let alone dance. you're probably just rubbing ur nipples on the backs of unknown strangers. it comes to a point when even though you've gotten in for free, standing outside just feels so so much better. you wait for ages for drinks. you place your order and you become half of the merlion while you wait. bullocks. how can taiwan, a country behind singapore, have a club scene that excels a million times more than sg. now you're having to live with the tabloids claiming that sg has one of the best night lives in the world. food yes. pubs yes. clubs? zouk? heeeeeeeeell no.

my highlights would probably be the fact that i bumped into some long lost friends. many of them in fact. also having to witness the fact that half my camp was in zouk. now i know where everyone is on friday nights. some of them asking me to get back there tomorrow night as well. one night just to see how it was like compared to back then is enough. don't need 2 in a row. back then it was party and people and the high life. now you see people wasted all over the place. some sprawled on the grown as early as 11pm. puke everywhere. bodies everywhere. women throwing themselves at men. men throwing themselves to the ground. partying is when you enjoy. not make a fool out of yourself. you don't tell your grandchildren at the end of the day that you woke up in the morning each time you got back from the clubs, and not remember a thing about the previous night. you would want to tell them about the people and the drinks and the feelings and emotions. not tell them about a mouthful of liqour and your dinner.

enough about zouk for now. back in the days when i just started dating, i had the same thoughts and feelings of teenagers nowadays. you like the person. the person likes you. that's enough for a relationship. we'll survive on just love and fresh air. they forget that the fresh air is meant for breathing so that you can work on the relationship. so that you can work out a life for both parties. it's not just about companionship. doesn't have to be a common factor. it's about communication, commitment, sacrifice, understanding, passion and a little lust. we're all human. lust yes in religious contexts is a sin. no one will ever be as pure as that. if not why is there all the talk about having a healthy sex life? it's not just about the fact that it'll keep you looking young and fit. if i can say, it's about entering this so-called dimension where only the two of you can enter and bind and enjoy the physical attraction. it's not just sex. there's a reason why they call it making love.

today i found a real queer thing. it wasn't the younger people that i was attracted to. rather it was the older working women. mainly cos they were there for the fun. not to get hooked up or laid. they had self control. not to get drunk and not to get taken advantage of. repect. you head down after work. grab drinks. enjoy with laughter. get out when you're feeling nice and fuzzy. head home for some sleep. get up the next day and remember who you are. that's what fun is really about. though if i had a girlfriend now and she's gonna want to party, i won't stop her or stalk her in the clubs. i'd head down if she wants me there and i'll just stay responsibly sober just so that i can get her home and safe. guys coming up to her or not, that's bound to happen. what's the use of stopping her if she decides to reciprocate? at the end of the day, if what we have was real, it'll remain.

pivotal moment

2009-08-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

there's this point in time that i'm sure everyone comes to in their lives. this one particular question. well i've come to it. what the heck am i doing with my life? what am i doing? thanks to those who have been here to create the spoils and i'm really grateful for those who have come to make it better. though everyone could really make do without the spoils.

it's 630 in the morning. the time that i head to bed. for the past 2 months that is. i spend the days waking up with half of it gone and the rest in front of my computer. it's either watching movies or fiddling with facebook or chatting. my dog sleeps at my feet and i'm lazing within the confines of my room in my boxers. the only physical significant change is the beard that i grew. they say army is where the boys become men. well i've distanced from being a man and instead, became more of a retard. wait, that happens to every single soul in that organisation. you learn nothing that will benefit you when you come out. the only thing that comes close is being a gun wielding mad man on the loose in a high school. only difference is you can take better aimed shots than those who have tried and failed. but that's not what we want to be. in place of the 2 freakin years spent in graveyard camps, we could have either completed our studies and graduated with the relevant certificates to start a life with. i could be out there earning some hard cold cash to change my life with. make something meaningful out of my life. meet interesting characters and broaden my vision in the social circle. yet, i'm here on my ass pouring my thoughts into a space in virtual reality and allowing the hair on my ass to grow. how productive. the only positive thing i can get from this is that my mind keeps working and it doesn't become a rock covered in algae.

i've come to learn how to make curt, sharp decisions for things in my life. i can't afford to dwaddle on any longer. i'm in need of time and i can't buy it nor will it wait for me. i've to keep in pace. i'm 21. with an o'level cert. i screwed up my shot at a diploma thinking there's a lot of time ahead of me. having the fact that i just realised growing up in this country just disadvantages you in many ways, what i did was of no help at all. now i'm getting a shot at a degree. i've got no choice but to get it right or it's nowhere for me. i'm up for it cos i've got goals to attain and i'm here for a reason. i'm made for something and i'm gonna do it. vet science is out of the question. so it's either culinary or hospitality. once the decision is made, work's needed to be done for the paperwork and i'm gonna head out there with my head down and in the game. i've got nothing to boast for except for the fact that the opposite sex have given me nothing but sex and trouble and pain on numerous occasions. i don't need any of that anymore. even till now i'm still trying to pull my head out of some witch's ass.

things keep coming at me one after another. though i'm still thankful for what i still have. these are the things that i'm gonna hold on to with my neck on the line. why so is because it's worth it. these are the things that have stuck with me through thick and thin. these are the things that help keep my sanity intact. the people, the objects, the lessons, the surroundings. well not so much of the surroundings since having the fact that sg has got the most ignorant, arrogant and obnoxious pricks ever to be alive on the surface of earth.

it's time for some planning. so first off, while i'm wasting my time in the army, i might as well use the available time i'll have to get my license's done first. both car and bike. that way when i'm out of the army, life will be so much more convenient. once i'm out of the army, i'm gonna have some time on my hands before i leave the country for my studies. i'm the kind of guy who can't stay home or stay idle for too long. so i'm gonna find myself a part time job and use the money to get what i want. my guitar, blackberry and speakers for the ipod. then i'm gonna bring all this along with me when i leave. while i've still got some time left on the MC, i'm gonna head down to IDP to get some extra information before i make my decision. seriously, i've got no more time for spoils. i really could make do without them.

sometimes, the people closest to you,

are the ones that hurt you.

judgement day

2009-08-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

well my bio clock is totally screwed up. thanks to the late nights with friends, the movies, the drinking, the eating. getting into bed when the sun rises and waking when it sets is the life. wasting every single day away. wonder how the heck am i gonna get back to normal once my MC ends. probably gonna just fuck everything up back in the medical centre. it's not something that i'm gonna do for the rest of my life anyway. just put in that minimal amt of effort needed to complete a task. doesn't have to be brilliant.

looking around and i start to think again. things running in and out of my head. again i talk to someone about love life. but it's with someone who'll listen this time. i see her situation, and see the situation that so many of my friends are in. then i look back at myself, and see the things i do in relationships or with women. it begs me to question, that why is it time and again that i put a 110% in and i get 0.01% back? yet some don't need to do anything and the women stick like glue. fine it might be money or material. but they all have one thing in common. bein an insensitive jerk. so i don't know. maybe it's time for me to be one as well. be an insensitive jerk. time to be selfish. time to be real anal about everything. i always wondered how that'll feel. guess i'm about to find out this time.

i'm tired of life here. i'm tired of the accusations and the senseless arguements. i'm tired of waddling in a pool of people who put self-pity as their to[ priority. wait no. it's their 2nd priority in life. the 1st is to make everyone elses life around them become the same as them or worst. i mean what's the deal with you people? yeah so what if your life sucks? the chap right next to you ain't too far off. actually he just might be worse off. but yet that guy's strong enough to put the fight up instead of whining. though he'd love and yearn for someone to hear him out for once, but he's just not about to make someone feel more miserable than they might already have been. i mean come one give me a break. stop it for a humanitarian cause. make the dark skies brighter. it's dark enough alr during the day. stop blaming everything and everyone around you for your falls. every problem has a root. and if the problem still sticks around you after ages, most probably you're the root for that rotten plant. so suck it up and do something life changing for once.

i've always been the guy that someone will come to talk to when they're having something gg wrong with their beau. i try my best to make their day better. i introduce sarcasm. i'm glad they have the sense of humour to match up to it. at the end of the day they run back into their lover's arms with a wide grin slapped tight on their face. i feel happy when i see that happen as well. when's it gonna be me going to someone instead to pour out everything in my head? it's been like this ever since the bio programme in my body for relationships kicked in. well at least now it's aus i'm looking forward too. yeah true i'm not gonna be able to do what i had originally planned to. well i'm taking a cheaper yet easier alternative cos i don't have a choice nor funds. well i guess it changes my priorities once again. get the cert, the PR and the job and apartment. i'll be starting work earlier as well. starting to earn earlier which means i'll save more which means when i'm 30, it's gonna be a whole lot more god damn places that i'll be able to go to. the 4 seasons, the people, the food. i'm looking forward to a new breath of fresh air. away from all the bullshit.

there's one particular person i have to thank for making me change my mind about being mr. nice guy 2day. about becoming someone i could never imagine myself as since i started getting interested in the opposite sex. i'm not gonna mention names. though i'm sure that quite a few people, and including the person herself, knows who i'm talking about. cos she threw a loada bullshit at me and i ate it all up. well people i've got news, i've a whole lot of my own brand of bullshit to hurl now. cheers.

changes and adaptations

2009-07-31T00:15:00.000-07:00

why do i keep meetin people who stand at 10 on the insanity scale? 10 meaning utterly hopelessly incredibly nuts. oh yeah and they tend to be women. even men who are gay don't do the things women do to people. and wth am i still talking about these things? there's so much more to look forward to. I'M HEADING OUTTA SG!!! better life, my own life, better climbing scenes, friendlier culture, interesting people, and more sinful treats. now that's the life.

well the latest piece of dreaded news finally hit me. my parents can't afford my vet science course. dad's health isn't at the peak. plus he's been pushing me to go into the hotel/f&b industry. says it's cos i can talk and walk the talk. then my mom keeps pushing me to do something easier just to get the PR there at a faster rate. oh well. now their wishes have come true. but it still kinda pisses me off that they didn't tell me about the lack of funds earlier. they should have said something instead of asking me to go ahead and get everything planned and show them the work i had done. now that i've settled everything and amounted the costs, they tell me funds are low and i've to restart again. oh wth you know. i'm still getting out of aus. and if it means doing something that i didn't really want to do, wth eh? at least it's still a ticket outta this dump and it's something that i can excel at too.

Le Cordean Blue or ICHMS or the Australian International Hotel School? one's got it's dip campus in Sydney and the degree's done in Adelaide, the other one's situated in Adelaide with a swiss cert, and the last in blue mountain with it's own on-campus hotel. if i head to blue mountain, not only is there limitless climbing areas, but i've got a place to put my friend's in as well when they head out. take note it's blue mountain, not brokeback. well whatever it is i'll choose, it'll either be sydney or adelaide. though i'd prefer sydney. term this time starts in july earlierst. cos my service in the army ends in feb and i can't make it in time for the 1st intake. guess now i've the time to do my license for both car and bike. perfect.

next friday is my second check up on my leg. hope everything's fine. been having a really crazy MC time cos there's almost nothing to do at home. i crammed 8 years worth of cleaning in 72 hours. felt so exhuasted. didn't wanna move or go anywhere or do anything after that. but it feels so much better to be in my room now. 10++ bags of trash. at least now i don't need to think about where i put my stuff. anyways, ankle still feels a lil sore. pain at certain angles. but at least now i can walk without the crutches AND the brace. if my mc get's extended, it'll be great cos then i can start pushing for my license. finish it by the end of the year. and plus since i'm changing my course, i don't need to head up to aus that early. which means i can definitely pay off the bloody bill, get a job, get my blackberry and also get my guitar and amp. and i'll bring all of that up to aus. 3 people i promised to enrol with in the motorbike license. 1 person who's interested in getting a guitar, so i might just get mine with her. she needs the help. was originally planning on getting the blackberry with a friend but he's got his alr. parents paid for. lucky bastard. so i guess for now, it's settling my application, and looking forward to ORD.

was just thinking to myself the other day, and i realised i just deserve so much better. what right do these people have to put me in this position? fuck ya'll.

putting up and shutting out

2009-07-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

physical exhaustion is when you push your physical limits to the max and overboard. when you over-exert energy. then your body shuts down for awhile so that it can recouperate. sort of like when you leave your ipod idle for awhile then it shuts off. your body will feel like crap the next day but at the end of it all, you'll recover. emotional and mental exhaustion on the other hand, is a whole different matter. it follows you all the way for as long as it can. it's like a monkey on your back. it's there to make your life a living hell. you wake up everyday and the first thing on your mind is that you feel so god damned tired. then you tell yourself that you have to get up no matter what. there are people counting on you.

feels good to be finally back in my own room after having slept in the living room for the past 2 months. feels brand new. back in my own space. feels good. just started the round 2 of clearing out my room. came across many random items. many memories. some good, some bad, some that i don't even wanna remember due to the given circumstances. that's why barely just touching anything, i've already filled one huge black bag. i've a feeling there'll be a couple to throw out at the end one round 2. then there'll be a round 3 after that. i look at all the things, and i realise that i've spent a lot of time, effort, tears and pain. and it all came to nothing in the end. which begs me to question, why did i do all this? was it worth it? did i gain anything? you come to realise that the pain in love is not because of all the unhappy memories. you feel the pain because you're remembering the happier times. the next person who brings up to me something about being in a r/s or me getting a girl, here's 2 books that i want them to read regardless of who they are. "i kissed dating goodbye" and "boy meets girl: say hello to courtship" by Joshua Harris. it was thanks to a certain someone that i came to know about these 2 books. though it's written in the referance to christ and i'm not a christian, it still helped alot. helped me to redefine what i really wanted. and until you have read these two books and tried to understand the context, you will have no idea why i've become like this today. it wasn't only the people, but these 2 books played a major part too.

another 7 months to go and i'll be back to a students life. out of this country and system. this time round i've to worry about finances though. going to sleep every night hoping that i don't have to move out the next. will be staying there for quite a bit. 7 years to be exact. a year and a half in college then 5 yrs in uni. it's time to slog. and once i'm done slogging, i'm gonna do what i always envied people doing. working with animals. i've got a chance to start something new for myself. get to somewhere i never dreamed i could do.

i've been thinking, been tempted, and have decided to allow the devil back into my life. what's the point of taking life so seriously now? i asked myself that question and i couldn't come up with a reason to take life so seriously. i mean it's short. we're bound to die. plus i smoked and smoke and will smoke. radiation kills, the sun kills blah blah blah. if it's so bad being alive, so why not make the best out of it? after this bill is paid off, hello zouk. hello alcohol, hello peter styvesant. and girls, please don't allow me to make you a target of scrutiny. why will i do that? u can thank the last or the one before or the one that was quite a while ago. they all did the same, said the same, and they are all women.

denial

2009-07-20T02:46:00.000-07:00

why do so many people live or dwell in denial? either afraid or refusing to face the facts head on. hoping that procastinating or delaying the time of realisation will give them that momentary happiness. instead it's the other way round. the longer you drag it, the more miserable you will feel at the end of the day when you decide to come out of your shell and face it. i'm able to say this now, cos i picked my phones up today, and deleted every document in there that had to do with that issue. everytime i come across the msgs it just puts me down again. them being happy memories makes me feel worse because we ended on a bad note. or rather we ended on quite unreasonable terms so to say.

made up my mind to get rid of everything that will give me second thoughts in making decisions. i want to change my attitude towards things. so many chances i've given up due to that special someone during that time. why did i do it i do not know. so much sacrificed but nothing reaped. i've decided that has got to come to an end. i'm at a disadvantage. i have been for a very long time. though i will not forget those deserving of my patience and time for they have kept me going till now knowing of the things that has happened to me. they have stuck through thick and thin with me and they were not obliged to. these are who i should be paying more attention to. so i went through my facebook pictures and i did something about them. cleared a load of junk from my computer. well next up is my room.

i hate those people who drag people in to suffer with them when mishappenings occur in their lives. they feel that there was no just and they were dealt with unfairly. so they deem it right to spread the pain and suffering. here's what i have for these people. my third finger on both hands. yes. things happen to you for a reason. most of the time it's cos of something you have done. i can be there for you, i can lend a shoulder or an ear. i can give you advice. but i'm not gonna be there to let you blame or be a human punching bag. i've been one for far too long. for far too many different people. this doesn't make you a deep person. it just goes to show how selfish in nature you people really are. dwelling in self-pity doesn't change anything. pointing fingers at every other thing around you doesn't change anything too. look carefully and you'll realise that the other 3 fingers are pointing back at you. realising, admitting and correction is what will change things for you. you can't purely blame it on bad luck that things aren't going for you. it's the same as a chemical mixture or physics or whatever science proves. there's definitely one thing that isn't right which results in a malfunction. be it that you believe in jesus, or feng shui or the devil or science, so long as there's one wrong component, things won't go right for you. so suck it up and stop whining. grow up.

apartment hunting isn't any fun at all. it doesn't make it any easier having the fact that i'm in sg hunting for an apartment in a different country. can't wait to get to australia. out of this dump. live alone. do my thing. back to a students life. just that now i've to worry about finances and my studies. no more playing. my playtime is during NS. NS would be the most unproductive 2 years in my whole entire life. make that anyone's life. i've got my acceptance, i've made my mind up. now i need to get an apartment and then any other furniture that i may need. then when i look back to the finances, that glee on my face becomes a frown. then again it strengthens my will and determination to succeed.

you won't know the real weight or worth of something,

till you've really lost it.

the blood spilled behind the tainted glass

2009-07-17T02:35:00.000-07:00

walking down town or anywhere with the hustle and bustle during weekends, you see the couples walking around. you see a scantily clad lady with crazy make up and push-up bras glued to a guy. they look so happy just walking around and hanging out with friends. in truth, either he's got a whole load of cash from daddy or something else that the woman wants in material. most of the time it's the cash. why do we live in world that is vastly measured by the amount of material one posseses? whatever happened to the good old times that once existed during the 60s.

ever since the last girl i've become quite gung-ho in life. putting it in sg terms, it'll have to be "bo chup". why invest so much time in something when you can reap bigger benefits in something else? same concept as why spend so bloody much on a wallet from LV or Dior or Chanel, when after buying it, you're left with nothing to put in. i'm not considering those given by others. sure these branded items gives you a little status. however that's the smallest status. status isn't built by these ways. buying ungodly priced items. status is how you work your way up in a society. i've seen top guys in their line of work, some of whom are my friends, who won't bother to buy expensive cars for their get arounds. rather they'd invest in property. cos if you buy a good place, the price goes up over the years, but once you buy a brand new car, the price immediately drops to half for the resale. now if you're able to apply this concept to life, you'll first know what i've been through, second understand why am i so "bo chup" in life nowadays.

friends came over last night as usual. got a couple of mags. there was FHM in the midst of all those mags. i haven bought that in years and i still haven bought it again. my friend did. i was bored and i just flipped through the pages. i came across this irritating thing about women being labelled as sluts or whores or bitches so long as they've appeared in FHM or Maxim or whatsoever. truth in fact that those who do the name calling, would jump at the chance of appearing in such a mag, and guard it with their life. yet they do the name calling at those who have enough courage to stand up and have their photos published in that mag. the odinary joe will buy a FHM and immediately flip to the model spread and fantasize about having that girl as his beau. then there's people like me who read the dirty jokes, the quirky interviews, the fashion side (mainly sunglasses or watches), the fun facts, the quizzzes. YES THERE IS ALL THESE THINGS IN THE MAG. it's not some wank mag for men. women can read them too. just like how i used to read cleo and such when my ex used to leave them lying around the room. that's how you get a chance to understand the opposite sex.

been cooped up at home for 3 weeks straight. recently my friends have been kind enough to bring me out. see it's quite inconvenient for me to walk in crowded areas, or unless i take a cab or someone picks me up. the cab itself is a killer. i'm only an ns boy. i don't have much money. or rather i don't have that kind of money to throw around. i know and understand it's weight and worth. being just in the car with the wind from outside blowing in your face was enough for me. as long as i breathed any air apart from the one within the confines of my house. though i'm still avoiding crowded places. it takes times like these to know who are the ones that really matters. those who bother to stick around just to try make your life better when they know you're in dire need of company. be it coming over and spending the night, or visiting, or a call or just a msg. it's the thought and action, not material.

since being able to walk without the damned crutches, i've been cooking for my dinners. dinner only cos when i wake, half the day is already gone. then again i sleep when the sun rises. basically i'm eating one meal a day for quite a while. anyways, been finding new pasta recipes. been having aglio olio for the past couple of days. a simple, yet scrumptious and healthy pasta. manage to make it better each time i have a go at it. gonna attempt my other favourite pasta, cabonara. actually i have everything at home except for the bacon. so i guess i'll try it some other day. somehow, the food tastes better when you cook it yourself.

settled half of that monstrous bill. so that's okay. then there's my phone to get before i go to aus. that's cos it's cheaper over here. there's still the macbook. then the small cam that i wanna have to carry around. plus the guitar and the amp. well these are my short term wants and needs. not to forget my licenses, bike and car. i will definitely be able to get my bike license completed. but i'm not so sure about my car in such a short space of time. when i was 18 my parents refused to let me go do it. though my brother and sister did. now i've to cram it all given such a limited time. not that i'm blaming my parents but if i had it done when i was 18, it'll have saved all the trouble.

the facade

2009-07-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

lying on bed listening to Explosions In The Sky while fiddling with my psp. switched off my psp after awhile. became restless. tossing and turning and then staring at the ceiling again. then tossing and turning again. am kinda tired. plus i've to wake at ten in the morn to head down to the hospital for a check-up. need the sleep but i just can't get any. not cos of the fact that i woke at 2 today. more of having a whole load of things running through my mind. these things can make you go crazy. i got out of bed an hour later and here i am. i had to get all this out.

sometimes you just wanna step out of the light for awhile, and just find a deep dark corner and stand there for awhile. just so that when you're doing that you can drop the smile from your face and just break down. if not for the many people who are around you, who count on you to make their day, to complete their life, who look to you for strength, if not for you being a pillar for someone else, i'm sure many of you would have done the same. cos i'd have done the same. it's not a shame to admit one's weakness. rather it's a strength to be able to come to terms with one's weakness and allow people to help you. however in this country where you will find the most arrogant, ignorant and obnoxious people, they will never be able to understand this point.

it's not always that you put more than your whole into a relationship. that you make decisions with the consideration of both parties. that you allow both parties to affect your life and the opportunities. true there may be some who are selfish and cannot forgo their ridiculous needs for the better of both, but that's one negative pt compared to the thousands of positives that you fell for. however when the r/s comes to an end after having put so much blood, sweat and tears into it, you tend to wonder whether that one negative pt was greater than the thousands that you fell for. then there's the instance when you meet someone wonderful. you think maybe she could be an answer to all the questions you had about life. the illusions and the painted picture that you didn't know of suddenly disappears. before you know it, you're left with nothing but to ask yourself this. How is it possible for one person, with no powers or abilities as any god has, be able to shatter a destroy so many dreams and hopes that you ever had? to be able to make you question yourself whether your believes are right? to be able to make so much havoc run through your mind any time it chooses to?

i've pretty much screwed my life in the ass ever since i was entitled to handle it myself. find it was a bad start. however through this bad start, there are a thousand lessons that i've learnt that cannot be exchanged for money or time. these valuable lessons are what's helping me make my decisions today. these valuable lessons that most of the spoilt, pampered and protected singaporean kids of today will never get. so much so that the children of today think that the world is sg. well they need a little wake up call cos sg is just a fraction. there's a reason why there's 6 over billion people on this earth. cos every single person brings and shares something different. however the opportunity for exposure normally comes only once. lucky me it's the second time now. i'm grabbing it for sure and i'll be sure to make full use of it.

the strength of a man is not measured by how broad his shoulders are.

rather it's measured by the number of burdens he shoulders.

i'm only human.

will you be there?

2009-07-08T01:39:00.000-07:00

was watching the memorial for KOP Micheal Jackson on tv last night. that was before ch and kx came over for mahjong. well one moment i was back in No. 49 Jalan Kelabu Asap. Blasting his soundtracks on the stereo. in the car. basically wherever i go. picturing myself trying to do the best imitations of the moonwalk as i could in the hotel furama when i was 7 or 8. able to memorise most of his songs by heart then. now ten years down the road and i'm watching his memorial on TV. things sure can happen.

he was my childhood idol. everytime i played a song back then, it was a micheal jackson song. then slowly as i grew up, the picture gets bigger, then other artists start coming into the picture. then the long absence of the king of pop. and then he was forgotten momentarily in my life. then all of a sudden he comes back with "you rock my world". the song still has the same touches of his old songs. that's the thing about him. he doesn't follow trends. he sets his own. he doesn't wait for people to pave the way. he paves the way for people. his songs are all full of meaning and purpose. so much so that no other artist till today can write any song better than he can. he wrote songs for the poor and homeless. for the racism issues. for every pressing issue to do with almost everything in our lives. those songs changed the lives of millions of people. that's how powerful he was.

when you grew up with micheal jackson being your main source of music and inspiration, you will know today that his songs are not just about catchy tunes, but the lyrics are carefully thought over and much passion and reason are put into the makings of the song. he isn't a one track artist. he writes about everything. some today just write about love. if not hate. they do not write about the many other meaningful topics. they sing about god. they sing about themselves. they sing about their lost love. they sing about their mishappenings. micheal sings for people. he sings to help lives. to help people. he sings for you standing there in the front row of his concert. but thanks to the nuisance that the paparazzi is, the groundless tabloids, who make a living out of making peoples lives a living hell, his life was turned upside down. his once so powerful songs were just suddenly all thrown with disregard. only the negativity was what stood out. well i hope they enjoy this lifetime for they will damn sure be servin the devil after that.

spent the day just watching videos on youtube finding some old videos of the songs that i used to love. micheal's songs of course. posted two that i particularly liked when i was a kid. had man in the mirror on my FB a week ago. now it's will you be there and they don't care about us. these are songs that will induce your attention and move you. i don't care if he was gay or he had gone through a load of plastic surgeries, but the way he lived for people, it's a dying way today. many people live for themselves. which in truth hurts many people along the way. at the end of the day, they find out how alone they really are. and why i'm saying this is cos i found myself to be one. which is certainly the wrong way to go. these days that i spend at home alone with loads of time on my hands does help in certain ways. allows self reflection and change. the negative things i don't need to elaborate. though i do need to change.

there's gotta be another 24hr food delivery service

2009-07-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

i'm sick of macs. i've eaten it so much that they should just give me the $10,000 and not bother to pick anyone. yes eating's my new addiction. cos besides watching movies and listening to music and hobbling around on crutches, eating's the only other hobby you can do with minimum fuss. plus my dad's asking if somebody's blackmailing me to eat macs. it doesn't help that mac's the only food available at 2am in the morning. i'd preferably cook but i can't seem to do that now can i. if smoking was an addiction and a killer, what's eating macs everyday of the week? it's friend stuff that can be cancerous too. so are you telling me they're gonna ban macs? stupid government policies. full of loopholes but it's just blind to the naked eye.

painkillers have been my favourite sweets for the past 2 weeks. cos i've been eating nothing else but them. besides the daily meals of course. thought the pain would have been obselete by now. that i'll just be left with the discomfort and inconvinience that comes along with a cast. i was wrong. there's occasional periodic sharp pains that i get. only god knows why. just worried that something in there might have jinked. hoping for the best though. don't wanna go through another healing period. once is bad enough. was too lazy to make a trip back to the hospital to get more painkillers. so i just settled with panadol from 7-11. this comin friday is the day when my leg can breathe for that couple of hours when the stitches are being removed and a check-up is done. beware. extreme scratching will occur.

put my msn nick as "can someone get me that ring for my 4th finger on the left". the main idea is not that i'm desperate to get married. the main idea is so that i can use it as an excuse to not get into anything. better said, it's to prevent me from getting into anything. any cheap old ring with a shard of broken glass stuck on it will do. as long as it's silver and it looks genuine. as the saying goes, you have to love yourself before you are ready to love another. there's also another saying, that once you've seen or gotten perfection, you wouldn't settle for anything less. guess there's a bit in both that's making me take my life seriously. cos first, i'm not satisfied with what i have to share with my prospective wife-to-be. cos i'm not where i want to be in life yet. i'm not enjoy my days yet. enjoying not meaning retired and carefree, but meaning enjoying my job and my social life and having my exclusive circle of friends. then the part abt perfection, is due to that certain someone. i don't know what is it abt her that i just can't forget. though there's one thing for sure that i know, and that is she can be a very very beautiful person. not in the terms of looks. regardless of what distraction there is, there's bound to be at least a certain 5mins that she'll pop into my head again. help me.

catching up with a lot of old friends. some who i thought were deceased cos they've disappeared for such a long time. some doing well now after that period of absence. others not so good. at least they still know who you are and recognise you, and don't block u out just cos of that short abstinance. there was once someone told me, that there shouldn't be such things as taking breaks, blocking out and avoiding between couples or 2 people. ironic part is the person who told me that is doing that now. how queer. someone who you thought you knew to be strong and convicted to her cause. well i guess i thought wrong. which really begs the question, of how well do u really know the person who's beside you now? or the person you're living with? or the person you're planning and sharing your life with? he/she speak so highly of him/herself. the next thing you know they're doing something which you'd least expect them to do. the cowardice. the lack of dignity and pride. which just makes you want to snort at it all. at the end of the day, forgiveness and forgetfulness comes into play. not cos it's natural, but because u want to. very often also because that certain someone is special to you.

sydney!! waterloo street!!

2009-07-03T12:07:00.001-07:00

was doing some research on the place i'd be going to in abt 7 months from now. ORD on the 8th of feb. takin my IC on the 9th. my term starts on the 15th. yes it sounds pretty rush and it is gonna be quite a rush. don't have a choice though. though i did look up on some extra stuff. like the climbing gyms around the area. not gonna stay in the hostel. not cos so that i can run around. cos i can run around even though i stay in the hostel. mainly cos of the price. it'll be 3-4 times more expensive if i lived in the hostel rather than rent an apartment. plus furthermore i'll be having my own place if i stayed out. my own space. my own lil room.

had a conversation with my dad today. the topic still being about the $1200 bill and my immaturity. yes i should have had more self control and brain in me to be able to prevent myself from coughing up that $1200 bill. though that's not the point on why i brought up that conversation. rather it's about the funny little thing abt story telling. see when there's one person telling a story, there's bound to be some things that goes against that person that will be left out. when you ask the other party involved, these little things appear. it doesn't matter who you are, whether you're obama or osama. this happens to everyone whether you know it or not. even myself. when you come to realise this point by yourself, and you take a look around, then only will you start to doubt and analyse to the smallest point, about what people tell you when you ask about them. then the really beautiful picture that you paint of these people, just turns into graffiti. it looks nice, but for the wrong reasons. which brings up something in my head, that a certain someone once told me. "i don't see taiwan, the operation, or australia an obstacle. don't let people look down on you just because you're young". yeah you got that right. those weren't obstacles. cos it all went up in smoke even b4 we got there. plus no one looked down one me. the irony was that you did.

1 more week. the stiches are out. i'll be able to walk with the damned $35 crutches. plus i'll still need to claim the damn $35 plus the ward money from the SAF. then i'll get down to the revision and the cleaning up of my room. i've got loads to throw out. AND I MEAN LOOOAAADDSSS. after that's settled, the bill. after the bill, zoukout. after zoukout, the macbook. after macbook, N97 or E75. after all that, AUSTRALIA, HERE I COME! GOODBYE SINGAPORE!!! HAHAHAHAA!!!! oh and i missed out. one night cycling trip from the west to the east and back. plus one trip to the bkt timah mt bike trail wit MR ABDUL GHANI. YOU PRICK YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING THIS OFF FOR GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES!!

was watching a programme. it was on mixed close combat martial arts. don't get the wrong idea. it's not about beating your opponent to the ground and gloating about it after that. it's about learning how to gain the upper hand and emerging the winner in the smallest, most harsh, most challenging position that you're in. discipline, endurance, stamina, tolerance, and never giving up. that's probably what i'll try to get down to in aus to kill my free time. climbing and learning that art. why i say that it's an art is cos i'm not doing it to be a fighter. rather it's gonna be a skill that i'm gonna gain.

you have to learn how to love yourself, before you can love another being. i'm gonna get that first part right first. as long as i'm not satisfied with the life i'm having, i'll not let anyone in to share it with me. you definitely don't wanna share anything lousy with someone. you would want to benefit someone if you're gonna help them. though i think there'll only be one person that i might just make that exception to grow along together with her. though i'm still sore from what she's done. though she's turned my life upside down for a few moments. but loving a person isn't about remembering all that isn't it? it's about making that person fall in love with you again every single day. pray that i'll have that chance with her again in this lifetime.

STEVE AOKI!!

2009-07-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

i was just reading the news on soccernet. then i was reading the sports section in the newpaper. afterwhich i realised i've been wasting my 70cents on that darn piece of junk. THE NEWS FOR SOCCER WAS SIMILAR TO SOCCERNET.COM WORD FOR WORD!! i mean like wtfff??? total rip-off i'll tell you. there they are claiming to have the most detailed sports news compared to any other paper, and here i come to discover it's just a copy and paste job with a random pic of whoever that's the hot topic.

I FINALLY GOT MY HANDS ON THE STEVE AOKI SONGS!!! WOOOOOOOOT! i just hope that this year zoukout's gonna bring him in. and the rest of the dj's that first made the event worth it to be at. hed kandi, above&beyond, paul vandyke, mark schulz, arminn, tiesto. plus steve aoki this time please. well i'll be headin up to aus on the 15th feb 2010. which means this year's zoukout will most probably or definitely be the last party i'll attend in sg. so i thought, wth, just head down. enjoy the booze, the beach and the music. yeah it's gonna be messy. doesn't mean you have to be part of that mess yeah? ever since KM8 got shut down for relocation, sentosa has lost it's bite for me. caf'e del ma has got too many gorrilish lebanese men there. i used to head to km8 in the late afternoons and stay till the night. if i do that at cafe del ma i'd be a casualty from the drama of events.

2nd of july 2day. another 10 days before i can see my foot again. have been actively cleaning the webbing of my toes with detol. the only visible part of my left foot. even then, it's to remove the stiches. and i've a feeling a full cast will be put on this time. not till the 2nd of Aug do i think that the cast will be fully removed. even then it's just cos the ligaments have healed. there's still the muscle rebuilding part. expect an extention of MC. it'll at least be better having the fact that the cast will be off and i'll be able to walk around without the crutches. then i can start on and finish up my license. be able to walk in time for the itshow in dec at the expo and be at zoukout too. things seem to be brighter already. imagine what i can do with that 10grand if i ate enough macs. then get my N97 or E75 before leaving for aus. why cos the phones here are cheaper than over there. my guitar is still undecided.

was awoken this morn at 8. i slept at 5. thank you very much SAF. just cause you like to have your jobs done last minute and i'm inconvenienced. i mean seriously. i'm having trouble just walking around my house, and i'm told at 8 in the morning that i've to be back in camp to endorse my mc. yeah. tell me how am i gonna achieve that feat. so what if i'm in the national service. so what if i'm doing my time. there's something called human rights and no one in the right mind will expect you to go back to camp just to endorse a medical document now when it can be done later as well. WTF. the only difference is that i'll be able to and gladly will get it done when i can start walking, and that now i can't frickin walk around the house. so how do u think i'll get to camp? SAF swift and efficient. soldier welfare huh? not that it's bad enough that i've to stay at home everyday alr huh?

was watching 10 promises to my dog earlier on. i can just remember ashley the first day that i got her. the way she'd go limp when i first carried her when she was 3mths old. her boisterous behaviour. her curiosity and her need for attention. plus the fact that she's one lady who will never leave me regardless of any trouble i had gotten into. she's a bitch that doesn't bitch. she loves me and knows who loves her the most. I miss the feeling of running.

2009-07-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

just watched pursuit of happiness and football hooligans. 2 pretty interesting movies, and loads of stuff u can get from watchin those movies. not to forget "henry poole was here". that's the movie from which i got one of my facebook status's. well it was basically my understanding of the movie, "life isn't about the mistakes you make. it's about your decisions and what you choose to believe in".

after watching the pursuit of happiness, it really makes you wonder. you look around you, at your colleagues, your classmates, your friends, your neighbours, the people in the shopping malls and the train stations etc. everywhere you see these teenagers or young adults. some just starting on their life, some not, some halfway. and amongst these people, there are those who just don't seem to get their priorities right. some people like me. but there are the more extreme ones. giving up at the smallest obstacles and going all suicidal and thinking that god's against them and that the whole world's out to get them. that kinda thought can get quite infectious actually. cos i was once a victim of that. when you watch this movie, and you see the kinda shit that he had to go through for so long. the countless obstacles and difficulties that keep piling up in front of him, and just cos he wanted something. he wanted to have a better life for himself and his son and his family. for that something, he fought on non-stop. even after his wife left him to give herself a better life. the one beacon of hope and strength that he had to help him fight on, was his son. that was enough to make him one of the most successful businessmen of this century. Looking at this, and you look back at the people that you see around you, what do you think? well what i think is i need to get out of this negative environment, and i need to have that drive to get to where i want. what do i want? a comfortable life. a nice small apartment. a nice car. wife and kids or none, it doesn't matter. i just want a comfortable life for myself and to be able to enjoy my work. to enjoy my work i need to get my studies done. or i'll be stuck in some firm like any old joe. why is sg like this? well it's cos it's so god damned protected.

which brings me to football hooligans. don't be fooled by the title. football hooligans isn't about football. it's reality. why so many foreigners flock into this country and say it's for a better life is because, it's this small little island of escape that they come to to escape from all the shit that's happening back at their country. bullshit that it's for a better life cos it's expensive to live here. personally my family's struggling here. mainly cos of the big house too. but you see, old dogs can't learn new tricks. look at ashley. she's only 2yrs+ and she can't learn anything new. football hooligans is a bit about gangs. but don't get the wrong idea. cos it's entirely different from singapore. the gangs in sg are absolute shit. being in a kop(the british term for a gang) isn't about looking for trouble. it isn't about having the most territory and it isn't abt women or terrorising lives. that's what gangs do when the majority of the group are made up of men with small weeners. it's about loyalty to your friends. the best part is that you know that your friends have your back, and you have your friends back. yes there's the fights and shit occasionally. but after watching this movie, you'll realise that there's always right and wrong in anything. nothing's entirely right nor entirely wrong. it's up to you to pick out the positive values in these things. it teaches you about trust and searching your soul. best part of it is that it's in the UK. the only reason why there's the definite classification of right and wrongs is cos we humans did it just to make things easier.

pay quick come in. at least let me settle half of the bill so that half my brain can rest as well. this whole shit keeps bouncing around within the confines of my skull. geez. plus i can't get out to get my mind off this. there are times that even though u don't smoke, but u need a drag to give you something else that your mind can concentrate on. and for fucks sake, smoking doesn't determine that you are a bad person. so parents please stop painting those white lies to your 5yr old kids that every man that smokes or has a tattoo is a villian. tattoo is body art. and smoking is the same as taking drugs. or insulin for diabetics who have hyperglycaemia. just that one's for personal enjoyment and the other's due to medical reasons. there's usage of marijuanna for curing people if u're oblivious to that. why not u try injecting insulin into someone who has hypoglycaemia? they'll die too dimwits. back to the pt abt the bill. anyone want's to do some charity? it involves lending me some cash which i will pay back just to help me settle this problem asap so that my mind doesn't have to deal with my parent's input as well. you know that kills too??

i need to find new sources of entertainment quick. i'm running out of ideas. no new music. nothing new on tv. no more nice movie titles. i can't possibly have so much to post about everyday. just that these few days i think my mind's been on steroids. at least my brain's working on thinking what to write and it's not entirely idle. and i wonder how do those people who give their reviews on movies get their jobs. i mean they're getting paid for giving the most vague of all reviews. "oh this movies good cos of the visual and sound effects. lots of action and a touching love story. not to mention the hot women that all hot blooded males are watching for. it's abt this main couple and how they help each other get through all this. though there's the downside for not having that much of an interesting love relationship" . how bout you add in that you're getting paid big bucks for just saying this short paragraph as well. there's so much more that you can say to make you sound worthy of your paycheque.

I just can't wait. aus. the people. sydney. the place. the food. back to being a school kid again. nothing to worry about except for my grades and the holiday jobs. at the end of it, it's all gonna be worth it. so i'm gonna do it no matter how difficult it gets and whatever it takes. when the going gets tough, the tough gets going eh?

jokes of everyday life

2009-06-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

i woke up this afternoon at around 2. sat up, stared at the tv, turned to look at the computer, looked at ashley's bed and she wasn't there. turned my head to look out in the backyard, the sun was up and the mahjong table was covered. i lay back down on bed and just stared at the ceiling fan, and i lay there for abt another hour. life sure sucks. after awhile i got restless and i got up to go freshen up.

got a letter today. well it was quite a thick document. i opened it and there was a booklet plus a letter. here's what the first line said. "Congratulations! You will soon be turning 21 years old. This will, no doubt, be a major milestone in your life." Pfft. yeah. right. a major milestone in your life. In an asian family?? i don't think so. the major milestone you'll have is when u break free of your parent's threshold. meaning that u don't need to depend on your parents any longer, that you're out there with a place of ur own to call home. where there aren't any 2 headed dragons breathing down your back 24/7. where you don't have to report every venture that you have in your everyday life. where there's no one to tell you what to do and what not to. where you do anything based on your own gut feeling. right now i'm just like a rat stuck on sticky glue paper. the only difference is that the rat doesn't know how to get off it, and i do. See my parents are very very good at making you feel like you're the littlest shit on this face of earth. even if you thought that you did something that any parent would be proud of. they're also really good at hurling verbal abuse at you when you've done something really really really wrong. not avoiding the fact that they love to base your entire future on something so insignificant that it probably won't change a think no matter how hard it tries, and they say you'll never be successful in life just cos you broke a pencil. get what i mean?? makes no sense. point is they love to do that. that's what's happening now. with the $1200 bill and australia.

see my parents love to say this to me. "you always say that you've got problems. but you never tell us anything. how're we supposed to help when you don't say anything?" well hellooooo! whoever asked for your help in the first place? there are some things that you'll like to keep to yourself and these are some of the things that i'm talking about. Do they forget easily that i'm going 21 this year and i do have my own life and my own beliefs and my own comfort circle. i'm no longer that 10 year old plump kid who only knew his way around the neighbourhood and nowhere else. fine yes i've a decent track record of doing something outrageously stupid, and i just did it again. Difference is, now i'm 21, and i do look at the consequences and know what i'm gonna have to deal with before i do it. before this, i was just plain old selfish and thought the same thoughts as a frog in the well. when someone compares the past and the present, there's the old saying that police use to wear shorts and now they wear trousers. or that nasi lemak used to cost 25cents and now it's 2bucks. well how does comparing me now to when i was 12 or 13 look beside that? the irony. then they love to compare matters of the heart with material. wow. talk about bringing your kid up right eh? now you know why i say that in an asian family, the milestone isn't reaching 21 but it's getting out of your parents grasps. Getting their meathooks off your back. It's not that their bad people or anything along those lines. Just that times have changed and no one does things by forcing it down someone else's throats' anymore. looks of it, it's up to this generation to change all that.

been wanting to take dance lessons for awhile now. just that i can't drag myself to get it done. ever had that dream of having the first dance with ur wife on the cleared dance floor, with everyone's eyes on you 2? yeah. then there's also the part where u wanna just have fun with your friends. find an open space, a stereo and just have fun. well speaking of dreams, i dreamt of her last night. again. so god damn real and so god damn her. right there. in front of me. wearing the cute lil dress. every single detail of her to the finest print. god i can't keep gg on like this. i'll lose my mind. it's more than liking someone or being infatuated with someone. i'm not going down so hard now cos i'm trying not to, but you just can't ignore the effort, time, feelings, self-counselling, energy that has been put into this. it's not abt the $1200. it could have been $2k and i wouldn't have given a shit abt it if things hadn't ended this way. i'd smile while getting the tongue lashing from my parents. right now the tongue lashing is just like rubbing the whole entire situation in my face. "you've been a huge dumb fucknut to have gotten yourself into this. look what's happened and you deserve every bit of this that you're feeling now. yeah lick that shit off the floor." Geez.

you know i've had it with chasin women. they're all the same. sick of watching all those love movies. just makes you feel like you'd rather give up reality and be one of those characters in a film. who cares if you don't exist. at least they find happiness in the ends. heard a saying once and true enough, "there are no happy endings in real life". to date i've had 5 previous girlfriends. first one thought i was using her to get close to another girl. that was a funny one. then the second one and i just couldn't get on the same wavelength. when i said 1 she said 11. when i said 2 she said 1. then the third one ran off with my money and some stuff with another guy. still having the cheek to demand that i return her some things. then there's the one that cheated on me while i was away in tokyo for 2 weeks. then there was the one that i thought i had something with. being together with her for 2 yrs made me feel like i didn't need anyone else. thought i'd have a happy ending to this. and as usual, one fine day she comes and says i don't know what i want. and 2 weeks later she's with some other guy. then there were 2 close encounters. one that kept comparing me with her ex. who e heck wants to be compared to another guy 24/7. and i had enough of that. then i met someone who i thought was different. i should have known. cos now the doors slammed in my face. why i do not know. it all came back to square one. i'm sick of having to restart so many times. that i'm not gonna start anything anymore. taken marriage out of my mind. if it happens then it does. if it doesn't then i'd be pretty much happy living with my dogs. at least they don't bitch.

just shaved 2 days ago. shaved the whole thing off. and i came to a decision. i need to get a shaver that doesn't entirely cut everything. you know like the electric ones in the market that leaves a scruff. i need to invest in one of those. i feel naked without at least a scruff. i hate the feeling and look after i shave. i miss my goatee. i need a good haircut before headin to aus. so that i can just leave it to grow and not bother with wax. i need to get my macbook so that i can forget abt fixing the pain in the ass wireless network i have at home. and i need to get out of this house. out of sg. and have my own life. my own place. not that i hate my family or anything. i'm just someone who prefers a solitary life at this pt in time.

GET ME OUT!

2009-06-29T09:17:00.001-07:00

k if you think being on mc with a brick for a leg is fun, think twice. cos i sure god damn don't find it the least bit of fun. u have the most trouble just trying to walk around the house. plus the crutches, their an obstruction themselves. imagine if u're havin diarrhoea, u might as well just shift your whole computer and whatever source of entertainment into the toilet, cos u sure as hell won't be able to get there in time before you shit yourself.

i've been watching movies day and night and i've watched everything that i've missed over the past year or so and also rewatched some. i've ran out of titles. i'm bored with my psp and i can't get out to get any new games. they don't sell ps2 games anymore and i sure as hell don't have a ps3. there's nothing new on the tv. F1 is dominated by braun and red bull, and the EPL hasn't started. i can't climb cos i can't even walk properly. plus the fact that i'm the "on the go" kind of person. staying home for the past 2 weeks doing nothing is a milestone for me. AND I'M DYING OVER HERE! can't wait to get the friggin cast off cos it itches and it stinks and i can't walk with it on. i'm done with books. no more new books. once this cast is off i can start clearing up my room. at least it's something for me to do and i can start with my revision. the only reason why i'm not starting yet cos i've to go dig for the books and notes. which means i'll have to escalate the friggin stairs again. jeez. i want an apartment. not a house.

okay few short term goals. i'm tickin tattoo off. cos i can get that done in aus. more variety anyways. and they probably have a better picture of what i want. sg is just so boring. if it ain't tribal then it's the chinese gods. wow. how enticing. so first off it's the car and bike license. i can get them both done at the same time and out of the way. so that when i'm in aus i'll just convert it. plus the bike's only got 8 pracs. i'm gonna do priv for my car so that it'll be cheaper. plus my parents will be sponsoring. then i'm tickin off the timbuk2 bag for now too. that huge old school crumpler is still in good shape. and it's served me well and still is. still undecided on that prana pants. cos i cld wear that to wherever i go. and it'll serve me well in aus too. not gonna get my dad to trade his old merc for a RAV4. that's his gem. and i'll just make do with what i have. not gonna get a bike if i'm gg to aus. who's gonna use or maintain it when i'm not around. probably just ask my friends to let me ride theirs for a bit whenever i see them. lol. then there's a new phone. my current ones are just gonna die soon. one's cracked and the other one's nuts. aiming for either the N97 or the E75. mainly cos of the qwerty keyboards. it'll have to wait till after i settle the bill though. 2 months worth of pay and i can start saving up for the phone. then it's the guitar as well. was advised to get it here and bring it over cos it's cheaper here. still undecided on that as well. oh well. we'll see how things go.

thinking if i should order macs now. think i'll do that if i'm hungry after this. already had a big showdown with my mom when she saw the bill. gonna have another one with my dad. see i used to run from these kinda things. run from facing the music when i had done something gravely wrong. then i realised i'll be going nowhere like this. it's like this. there's a hole. then u dig up soil to cover this hole. then there's another hole. and u keep doing it. it's a vicious cycle. i'm not gonna go through life this way. irresponsibility. cowardice. my dad can be a real devil when his temper flares up. so when he comes back 2moro, first thing i'm gonna tell him abt is the bill regardless of whether he knows of it yet or not. and i'm sure to recieve a tongue lashing from him. and i'm just gonna take it. and i know the disappointment that'll be on his face. and i'll have to go through the torment of things from the past 2-3 mths running through my mind again. wow. B-E-A-utiful.

well second chances don't come by often. and this is the second chance that has been pushed into my hands. and i'm handcuffing it to myself. i'm gonna go through with this with no buts and ifs. i know i can do it. and i'll do it. anything else besides this will have to wait till after i'm done with it. but first. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! geez.

caught in a nutshell

2009-06-28T03:30:00.000-07:00

i switch the engine off after parking my car. get out and head to the back to grab my stuff. lock the doors while on my way to the lift. i get into the lift and press 7 and close the doors. i get off and head to my door. i slide my key in and unlock the door. walk in and close the doors behind me while i kick my shoes off. switch on the tv and open a can of beer. set some water boiling then head to my room for a shower. come out and whip up some aglio olio for dinner. settle down at the couch to watch the tv with my dinner and sippin on beer....

okay meng snap out of it. u're still stuck here in this house with ur parents breathing down on ur back 24/7. they're treating you like you're 15 or 16 when u're already 21. and it's really getting on ur nerves. i know. aus is just 6 months away. strive on. do what u need to do now. like revision and getting that damned ankle of urs up and running. pay that frickin $1200 hp bill off and then start preparin for aus. but than again you have to wonder. why are u in this situation here? COS U'RE GOD DAMNED STUCK IN SG! WHERE EVERYONE IS SPOONFED EVEN WHEN THEY'RE ALREADY 24 OR 25 AND PARENTS STILL THINK THEY'RE TOO YOUNG TO FLY!!

ever wonder why expats can come into sg at 30 or a lil over and are so successful already? cos over there, they're exposed to reality at a really tender age. they aren't so protected and parents don't like to paint such a beautiful picture for their kids knowing that at the end of the day it'll all just be a lie. i'm gg 21 this year and i'm still stuck in the middle of nowhere. nothing to help me climb. and i'm determined to get that piece of recycled paper so that i can start a life of my own. my own place, with no restrictions whatsoever by anyone. everywhere else, 21 is supposed to be the age of liberty. but not in sg. it won't feel the same if ur parents bought you a god damned place. or a car. or a club membership. cos at the end of the day when u look back, u didn't earn all this. which means you're still stuck with little or zero achievement in your life. life is short. so u either do yourself a favour by making it shorter, or u make the most out of it.

i've friends from all walks of life and all sorts of natures. and you'll be surprised at the kind of characters i've come acrossed. there's the spoilt rich kid who's dad gives him a nice place and a nice car and the cash. but he can be so tactless and brainless that little does he know that money can't buy him friends nor happiness. sure it's great that i can have a friend that's rich and i can sponge off. then again i wouldn't go that low. but what surprises me is i had a friend who's rich and sponges off his friends. wow. the irony. and then there's the one that lights up your eyes. so what if he comes from an average family. things may not be gg well in his family. but he sucks it up. goes to work. takes no shit and he's got his future pretty much settled. both guys are the same age. one's rich and the other isn't. see the difference? being rich doesn't really help when u're a kid. only thing is one loves to be twirled around the fingers of a woman and the other has no interest in relationships for now. lol.

which begs me to think. i'm neither rich nor poor. just slightly better off than some. believe me when i say that. it's not that i can't study. i can and it's just the matter of whether i want to or not. i know what kind of life i want. and i know what i wanna do for the rest of my life. but i'm stuck here now neither here nor there. lol. i tell people about what i've planned for my future. and so many of them tell me it's still a long way to go. the last i thought the 2yrs in NS was gonna be a long ass time. but when i said that it felt like just last week and now i'm just 6-7 more mths to finishing my service. it's essential to plan if u want to have a career. or have a comfortable future at least. and don't just limit yourselves in sg. if u stay here or if u only envision sg, u'll get to nowhere. there's only so much they can offer in sg. but if u'll just spare that couple of mins on the net and u do some research on other countries, make it a pt to meet ppl from other places, then u'll be able to see what i see now. that the world out there is massive. with unlimited opportunities and possibilities.

the reason why i decided to get a new blog, is cos i was thinking back and reading through. and i realised that the old blog was full of negativity, and stupidity. things i shouldn't have said or done. and things that i should have. the previous posts about something that wasn't important, and i had done so cos people demanded that i had to blog. well this is my blog, my personal space, my outlet for frustrations or feelings or thoughts. i post what i want to post. blogging doesn't have to be about your everyday activities. i mean who the heck wants to know what you had for lunch or what type of underwear did you buy. pfft.

out of my system

2009-06-27T02:08:00.000-07:00

yeah. back from taiwan with the crazy H1N1 thing going on. just finished my operation too. on a month and half long mc plus home quarantined till 2moro. wow. wonder what's the quarantine for when i'm already on mc. i'm havin trouble walking even at home. let alone head out. lol. oh well whatever it is, being on mc isn't all fun and joy. lol. i want a life. and i'm gonna make one.

well first b4 i forget thanks to all those who came to visit me. it makes my day even if u didn't think so. cos other than the dog and the comp at home, nothing else interacts with me. lol. though i've managed to watch all the movies that i've missed due to certain unfortunate circumstances over the year. lol. another 2 more weeks b4 my cast can be removed. itches like crazy. lol.

well quite a bit of things happened of late. my $1200 hp bill just came in. yeah close your mouth. believe what you see. these are e things i can do for the lady i love. but then again women is my greatest weakness. not all though. lol. and these things tend to happen to me because of that. so much that i'm so sick of it all now. the mind games. the broken promises. the empty words. so so sick of it all. i don't deserve all this for the amount i've put in. i deserve either better or i'll want nothing less. the things that they can say to keep u hanging around just so that they can satisfy their selfish needs. then they just shut you out when they're done havin their fun. and here i hear abt women activists screaming to the whole world about how men mistreat them. well hey woman how bout u have a look at urselves and tell me if it's turning the other way round now. so should men now set up activists groups to protest the mistreating of men by women? no. cos it's a total waste of time. imagine the amount of things u could have done in the amt of time spent protesting. that's how men think.

it's not whether you're a man or a woman, or that you're 18 or 26, or that u're a singaporean or an american that matters. it's what's in you that matters. your potential and your character and your philosophies and your actions. these are the things that makes a person. it's not just what you say. and i thank someone for letting me see that unintentionally. i've been hurt and burned and wounded countless of times. and this is by far the worst. and it took something of this degree to help me open my eyes and to knock some sense into that nutshell on my shoulders. the disappointment and grief i've given to my parents cos of these matters.

i'm 21 now and i'm a step behind my friends. cos i made a mistake in making a choice. and now a second chance comes by and i'm gonna make full use of it and cherish it. cos second chances don't come by easily. and if a second chance does come by, it means i'm destined to make something happen and i'll do that. same concept as what i had told my friend earlier. u ride on a bike at 180km/hr beating every traffic light without slowing down. if u're meant to be alive, u'd still be at the end of it. if u're surplus or u're wasting someone's time, u'd be dead even b4 making it halfway across. cos logically speaking, hitting something at 180km/hr on a bike results in instant death. if u survive it'll both be a miracle and excruxiating pain. and that'll happen if u really pissed the big guy up there off.

and now comes a question that i beg someone to answer. what's the use of the proclaimation of ur religion, when u don't do as u preach. be it muslim or hindo or taoist or buddhist or christian or catholics or jews or that seventh day thing. i've got no religion. so if i was asked if i believed in god, i'd say yeah there should be one big guy up there planning our lives like 5yr olds playing with lego sets. where does that big guy come from i will not pin-point. but if i were to say, i'd say that big guy is in all of us. our conscience. our inner voice. our spirit. that's what tells us the right and wrongs. and where do we get these morals and teachings from? schools, movies, games, newspapers etc. u name it. and most important of all our parents. i told my ex-gf this. and she says she understands. then why was it so difficult to understand that i'll only wanna be married and have a family after i can afford to bring them up? i don't want them to have a broken childhood where they are always deprived of something. most importantly, i don't want them to be deprived of opportunities. which is why i don't wanna settle down here in sg. which is why i wanna get out of the country. then again there's another reason why i wanna get out of sg and that's cos i wanna leave all the shit behind. lol. but that's besides the pt.

thank's to a certain you, i've managed to pinpoint what i want in life. and who i want to build it with. the promises i was ready to make and the journey i was ready to take. thanks to the same certain you, trust you to destroy all that and leave me high and dry. after all that you said only for me to find out now that it was all a facade. for i still will not pt the finger at you and blame you for my situation now, for there is still good that i can draw from all this. so i will still thank you. i maybe foolish in love in your terms. but i can safely say for sure that i'm that one step closer to finding true love than you are by putting myself out there like this. though i hope that you wouldn't do this to the next guy that comes along. i'd pity him.

love used to be an important part of life for me. cos it's always better to have someone to go through it with you. but right now it seems i'm better off going through it alone. for now at least. if anything happens again then we'll see. but right now love's probably right at the bottom of my list. though i still feel for that certain you. yeah u may have put me in that spot. but that wasn't what i fell for you for. that reason alone is why i can't find myself hating you. right now, first off it's gonna be revision work. and i'll need to read up on bio. then it's finalising aus plans. and then i'm out of sg for good. by hook or by crook i'll make it no matter how difficult it is. i'll be back in sg for the hols. friends are an important part of my life too. then i'll work in aus b4 i migrate to somewhere else quiet. where i can enjoy the finer things in life and earn my keep and live my own life.